Seniors and the pursuit of youth and beauty

Congratulations to Taanusiya Chetty, 26, for emerging as the second runner-up in the recent Miss World pageant. She also bagged the Miss World Asia title as well as the award for Beauty With A Purpose. That’s a three-in-one achievement, and the best results since Malaysia first participated in the annual pageant in 1963.

It is a historic achievement for the country and a well-deserved accolade for Taanusiya for putting our country on the world map for a beauty with brains and heart.

Taanusiya’s win has prompted a wave of nostalgia and perhaps a tinge of envy among older women. In chats over coffee or tea, they would be sharing about their past when they too were young and carefree. Sigh, such a longing for those days!

We were the young ones, once upon a time. How we wish time could have slowed down for us and been a little kinder. The years have certainly taken a toll on our physical appearance. Yes, ageing is tough, it’s merciless, it’s inescapable. It hits women harder than men because society has always placed so much more importance on external looks on women than on men.

Men experience ageing too but in a different way. Grey hair makes a man look distinguished while on women, it makes them look old.

We can understand why women in their 70s and 80s decline invitations to their high school and college reunions, birthday celebrations and wedding dinners.

The reason, I suspect, is they have lost confidence in their appearance. They no longer look the same. Some have piled on the kilos, some have aged and it shows on their face, some now use a walking stick or hearing aid and they have a complex about it.

There are wrinkles to contend with, greying hair and bald patches, extra weight we can do without, aches and creaking bones, stiff joints, and the constant battling with forgetfulness. The list just goes on.

It is hard for most women to come to terms with ageing. The only consolation is that it comes gradually to give us time to get adjusted to that stranger looking back at us in the full-length mirror. The changes speed up once we pass 75, though.

Unrealistic expectations?

Perhaps that is the reason why older women edit their photos before sharing them on social media, to look younger and more presentable to others. They edit for softer lighting, fewer wrinkles and a slimmer figure.

Remember those days of glamour photos in the 1980s? You could buy a package that would include a set of personal photos professionally taken at a studio, each one skilfully touched up to make us look glamorous.

It’s all designed to boost self-confidence, and to attach to our job application. I dug up some of these photos a few days ago. Needless to say, I couldn’t believe that the person in the photos was me. It was a total makeover, an unrecognisable me. 

But I must admit, I felt pretty pleased with the photos at the time. It boosted my self-confidence.

Many of my friends even framed their glamour photo and hung it on the wall of their living room! 

Why are we so hung up about our physical appearance?

Much of this has to do with the traditional view of women as gentle, delicate and pretty as a flower from hair to toes. Once upon a time in China, men from well-to-do families would choose their bride unseen, solely based on their delicate bound feet!

This view of how women should look has been perpetuated by beauty contests and covers of women’s magazines. Such emphasis on looks has continued to persist, putting pressure on women to do whatever it takes, whatever they can afford to retain a youthful appearance, so that society will compliment them for their appearance, so that their husband would not leave them for another younger, prettier woman, so that for divorcees and widows, there is still hope for a suitor.

This desire to maintain a youthful feminine outer appearance has spurred the growth of anti-ageing products, aesthetic procedures and cosmetic surgery. For some women, these can help them feel more comfortable about their appearance. But these should be approached with realistic expectations and an awareness of the costs and risks involved.

The AI influence

The obsession with going back in time to our youth has given rise to apps and AI-generated images of senior women sporting youthful looks, most recently dressed in the fashion trends of the 1980s. It’s fun to turn the clock back and feel pleased at AI-created images of us. We happily share them on social media for friends to admire and compliment us.

Here’s a challenge for those who enjoy using AI to create youthful images of themselves. Using a current photo of yourself, prompt ChatGPT to create an image of yourself based on the photo but at age 80, still looking fit, smiling and in good health. Then do another image with a different prompt, this time also at age 80 but looking your age or even older, after years of poor lifestyle habits.

You will be shocked at the differences in the two photos. Which one would you pick to be your goal to achieve at age 80?

That would really be an eye-opener and a wake-up call about how we want to age. This is more meaningful than playing around with apps that enhance our looks to feel good about ourselves.

We should accept the changes in our appearance, the slowing down of our physical abilities and the realisation that we can do something, not to reverse ageing but to slow it down with healthy lifestyle habits.

Regret and wishful thinking will only make us more miserable. Be positive and look at ageing as having more time to spend with our family and friends, to pursue our interests, to explore new places.

Not everyone gets to be 80 and beyond. Consider it a privilege, not luck.

It requires effort to look younger than our age. We know all about what it takes to age well, to age successfully. Knowing is not doing. We need to be consistent in maintaining positive lifestyle habits.

Exercising whenever we feel up to it, and over indulging in food won’t cut it. There is a wide gap between knowing and being inspired, and being motivated to do what it takes. The first requires no action, the latter does.

Ageing can be unkind, but instead of focusing on loss of youth and energy, why not focus on the positive side of ageing? We have built a home, raised a loving family, and enjoyed lasting friendships.

Let’s look back, not with regret but with nostalgia. Let’s be content with our present, and look forward to many more years ahead in good health and quiet contentment.

The next time we receive an invitation to a reunion or a lunch with friends we have not seen since leaving high school, accept it with gratitude that we are not forgotten and still around to enjoy each other’s company. Who knows when we will see our childhood friends again? The conversations will be filled with laughter at fond memories, tinged with some sadness as we remember those who could not join the gathering because they are no longer around.

One day, we could be the one missing at reunions because we have passed on. So, let’s focus on ageing well, to live to a good old age with our faculties intact, in good health and surrounded by family and friends. That is more important than to live like a recluse because we don’t look good enough to be seen.

Here’s to the next 10 or 20 years. We can do it. Let’s remain forever young-at-heart, and forget about remaining forever young. That can only happen in dreams, and in AI-generated images.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 7 Oct 2026. The link is accessible HERE)

GROWING OLD, STANDING TALL

Ageing with dignity has little to do with appearance or mobility. It is about the respect we give and the care we show – and it starts with how we treat ourselves. — Magnific

We hear it so often – ageing with dignity. What does it really mean? As our population ages, we come across this phrase every so often in the media, at conferences on healthcare and in advertisements promoting products for older persons.  

Let me share what I have found out from my conversations with the elderly. They are the ones with lived experience of growing old. What is ageing like for them? How is society treating them? How would they wish to be treated?

The United Nations Human Rights declaration applies to all, regardless of age. Perhaps more so as older persons are vulnerable to being victimized, given their physical, mental and physiological limitations. They have the right to care, safety, protection, shelter, support, freedom and independence. They have the right to participate in conversations and in decisions that involve them. When these rights are taken away from them, they should protest. They should speak up. 

Unfortunately, they prefer not to kick up a fuss, cause friction within the family, or ruffle feathers in the community. They choose to remain silent. By doing so, they are allowing themselves to be discriminated, exploited and victimized. 

The most vulnerable are those with little or no formal education, have limited financial resources and are ignorant about their rights. Wealth gives one power. An honorific title and academic credentials get us a measure of respect and influence. When we have none of these, we get the condescending treatment. Sales staff at premium malls will look at us with disdain, assuming we are unlikely to purchase anything, judging by our age, our demeanor and the clothes we wear.

Disrespect hurts

It’s the daily experience of being ignored, ridiculed and bullied that hurts the most. Take the example of seniors travelling by public transport. On commuter trains, it’s common to see young people seated, busy on their mobile phones ignoring the senior citizen standing right in front of them. The oft-repeated public announcements on the train appealing to commuters to give up their seats to OKU, pregnant women and senior citizens usually fall on deaf ears or, more correctly, indifferent ears. And how often have I seen impatient bus drivers yelling at an elderly for being slow in getting off the bus. 

Respect and dignity go hand in hand. When others don’t respect us, does the problem lie with us? Or does it reflect negatively on them? Both. Respect starts with us. We can’t expect others to respect us if we don’t respect ourselves. If we feel we are losers, useless, too old, a burden to the family and unable to contribute anything to society, then don’t expect others to respect us. 

Ageing is a natural process. There is nothing to be ashamed of or be apologetic about. If we need a helping hand, just ask. Help will be offered.. 

There will come a time when we may need to use a walking aid. There is no need to feel embarrassed to use one. It is not a reflection of loss of dignity to use a walking stick, or hearing aid. There will also come a time when we may need to wear diapers, or rely on a carer to shower us, feed us and clean us up after the toilet. This is not a loss of dignity. Let’s not be a hero. Acknowledge that we do sometimes need help, and accept it graciously when it is offered. 

Loss of dignity is when we are not given the right to speak up, to be heard, to make our own decision. When an elderly parent is left out of family discussions, outings or social functions, it is akin to telling them they don’t fit in, they are an awkward embarrassment to the family. This is outright humiliating to the elderly parent. No wonder they feel hurt and insulted.

Sometimes adult children forget their parents can speak for themselves. After introducing their parents, they completely ignore their parents, giving them no opportunity to join the conversation. 

And then there are the jokes that young people crack about older people. They get a bellyful of laughter at our expense. The names they give us are degrading and disparaging, names like dinosaurs and old fogies. Fortunately, there are young people who have been brought up well, who practise what they are taught in religious classes and in Moral Studies in school. Bless them for showing us respect and courtesy.

Be proud of our age

As for us, senior citizens and the elderly alike, let’s be proud of our age. Ageing is natural. No one escapes it. Some do so at a slower pace, others more quickly. That’s the difference between biological (physiological) age and chronological age. It depends primarily on our lifestyle habits. It takes effort to enjoy our retirement in good health and wellbeing.

Looking good involves taking care of ourselves inside out. Looking good gives us self-confidence and earns us respect from others. ‘Looking good’ should be a stand-alone phrase. It doesn’t require an add-on as in ‘You look good… for your age’. 

Looking good doesn’t require lots of money. If that were the case, those in the lower income bracket would have no chance of looking good. We don’t need expensive cosmetics, nip and tuck procedures, designer clothes. Wearing a smile is free. Nature provides the supplements we need. 

Dignity is earned. It takes effort on our part. It starts with feeling good about ourselves, respecting ourselves. What makes us feel good about ourselves? Knowing that we have played our role well as a member of our family, as a member of the community that we serve, and as a loyal citizen of the country. 

Sounds lofty, perhaps, but we can surely strive towards these goals. The respect, the dignity will naturally follow. It’s all about doing good and feeling good about ourselves. Positivity personified.

Enough of belittling ourselves because of our age.

Men feel this loss of respect and dignity most when they retire. This is especially the case for those retiring from mid-level to top management positions. Stripped of their designations, they find it hard to adjust to a new phase where they have no work responsibilities, no staff under them to supervise, no secretary to do their bidding. 

The late Tan Sri Ani Arope expressed this transition period perfectly in his speech to soon-to-retire staff at Guthrie’s in 2009, titled after the popular maxim ‘A Peacock Today, A Feather Duster Tomorrow’. It aptly describes this period of adjustment to a new role for recently-retired men.

Those unable to adjust opt to spend their days at home rather than go out and be active socially. They avoid the awkwardness of having to answer questions like ‘So what are you doing now?’ or ‘Which company are you attached to?’ 

This is less of an issue with women. Indeed, the retirement years spells freedom for them to enjoy an active social life. One of the reasons perhaps for their longer life span.

The answer to living our retirement years well is to find meaning and purpose. We know that. We have been told that umpteen times ad nauseum. But as long as we know, we hear but we don’t do, don’t act upon it, don’t make the move, we will remain enclosed in our cocoon. 

However, if we are truly happy living out our final years confined to our home away from the madding crowd, it’s fine. So be it. To each his own.

But for the rest of us, let’s live life to the fullest with dignity and respect by being useful and doing the best we can whether as the best grandma to our grandchildren, as a dedicated community volunteer, or as an advocate of a social cause. Choose the role that best suits us, that makes us feel that we are not a burden, that we can still hold our heads up and not make excuses for our age. 

That is what ageing with dignity really means.

(This article is a revised version of the print article first published in Star Silver supplement of The Star on Wed 9 Sept 2026. It can be acessed HERE.)

BETTER TOGETHER - When Generations connect, everyone benefits

Seniors enjoying strength training exercises in the park, with the guidance from younger fitness coaches. Photos: LILY FU

 

I have always been interested in community initiatives, particularly those that contribute to the well-being of senior citizens and the elderly. However, of late, my focus has broadened to include the younger generations as well.

Instead of focusing on the differences between generations and trying to bridge the divide, why not look at what each generation brings to the table –working together for mutual benefit and understanding? Whether it be at the family level or at the workplace, each generation has something to offer the other.

The young have physical strength, energy and are technologically savvy. The older generation have more life experiences, values and lessons to share. Each generation can fill the gaps in the other generation.

The first gap that springs to mind is the technological gap. Baby boomers now in their 70s grew up in an era where most things were done manually and communication was on a personal face-to-face level. They feel lost in the digital ecosystem where everything is done via electronic devices and gadgets, and apps on smartphones. They are confused and bewildered in a world that is unfamiliar to them.

They need help with online registrations. They forget passwords. Biometrics is alien to them. They don’t trust online banking and cashless transactions. They get into a panic and become flustered when the short time limit to execute an online transfer closes in on them. Many are clueless about ordering food online and booking e-hailing rides. Yet there are those who refuse to learn. Too complicated, they say, and there’s also the fear of being scammed.

This is definitely one area where the young can step in to teach their elders digital skills and online safety. However, they must have empathy and patience to guide them through the instructions, step by step.

It’s not that older adults can’t learn. They just take a bit longer. That is why family members are usually not the best teachers. Familiarity breeds impatience and frustration. It’s much easier to teach other seniors but not your parents and more so your grandparents. Anyone teaching older adults must bear in mind that they may have issues with hearing and vision, on top of not understanding technical jargon. Adjustments have to be made for effective learning and teaching.

Understanding and empathy

An understanding of the principles of geragogy is essential for those involved in teaching older adults. Seniors can provide feedback on digital apps and devices meant for older users. They may find the navigation too confusing and the features not age-friendly. Their feedback helps adjustments to be made for improvement.

Don’t ever think that seniors are beyond learning. Give them a reason to pick up new skills, new knowledge and they will rise to the occasion. Look how they take so enthusiastically to WhatsApp. It’s their favourite means of communication with friends and family. They are fully aware they need to embrace new technologies or be left behind when the rest of society moves on. All they need is some guidance.

Older adults must cooperate too and be willing to learn. There are those who think they are too old to learn new things. With such a negative mindset no one can teach them anything. They have made up their mind. This is the worst kind of ageism: Self-ageism.

Instructor Osama (blue top front row) with his senior students at one of his digital skills workshops.  

The private sector can pitch in to help empower older adults. A leading institution of higher learning has offered our senior community a free venue for workshops on digital skills, and a young IT-savvy instructor to teach us. To date, he has conducted 20 workshops covering a broad range of topics and apps for services and recreation. Indeed, technology companies can help support similar initiatives to bring older adults into the digital economy.

The young team of trainers helping Lily and her peers build and maintain their muscle strength.

Yie Xiang and Jun Hong were indispensible at our recent Seniors Bazaar. They helped to carry, lift, and move items. They were a huge help in offerimg assistance for the vendors.

Older adults can also tap on the muscle strength of the young in carrying and lifting, as in setting up a space for an event. Our community regularly organises activities that require arranging tables and chairs, setting up the projector and sound equipment, as well as running around to ensure everything goes smoothly. We appreciate their efforts to give us a helping hand.

A win-win solution

To add on, university students, for example, can provide transport for seniors who no longer drive. They can also help out at aged care centres on a voluntary basis or as paid work during their free time.

In return what can we senior citizens do for young adults? We can share our experience with them so they can avoid making the same mistakes we made. Sure, the young may say let us learn from our own mistakes. But mistakes could turn out to be costly or painful.

At the workplace, there should be intergenerational cooperation, not rivalry for jobs or posts. Senior staff can be mentors, offer advice and show how things can be done more efficiently. The younger staff can learn from the experience of their seniors. Indeed, that was how learning took place in the past – through apprenticeship.

What else can young adults learn from us, seniors? Plenty, for example, value investments, public speaking, relationships, craftsmanship, work ethics, caregiving, frugality and more.

What can daughters learn from their mothers, and what can fathers teach their sons? Each generation passes down traditions and values to the next. Each generation builds on the knowledge and skills of the past generation. That is progress. That is legacy.

We can be instructors in areas such as in cooking traditional dishes, preserving heritage art, crafts and skills, and ensuring dialects continue to be spoken. For example, there are young doctors who are now making efforts to improve their Hokkien and Teochew to better communicate with their elderly Chinese patients who can’t speak or understand English.

Should the need arise, couples know they can depend on their parents and trust them to look after their young children while they are at work. Indeed, grandparents bond well with their grandchildren. They make excellent baby-sitters and child carers, and home tutors too.

Respect goes both ways

It’s time for the generations to show respect towards one another. Universal values should continue to be practised by the old and nurtured in the young. It should start right at home with parents and grandparents providing examples of acts of kindness, good manners and respect for the elders. The older generation should not habitually nag or criticise the young for this and that. It drives a wedge between the two generations. Instead, let us look at the positives of each generation and learn to do better.

In royal families, the children are groomed as future leaders from young by their elders. It’s the same in family business conglomerates. The sons and daughters are taught how the business is run so that one day they will take over the reins from their parents, and improve on what they have learned. Likewise, in families, the elders groom the young by teaching them valuable lessons necessary for success in life.

That is how each generation builds upon the legacy of the past generation. From father to son, from mother to daughter.

When we extend this to those outside the family, everyone becomes an adik, abang, kakak, makcik or pakcik. These are more than terms of address, but terms of endearment. We become one big extended family, across all generations, that help and support one another. That’s how it should be. Too idealistic? Well, we can try, can’t we?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

 (The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 12 Aug 2026. It can be accessed at this LINK

Are we failing neglected seniors in Malaysia?

One of the most fundamental rights of older adults is the right to have shelter and a place to call home. —Magnific

 Unless they have wealth, position or influence, older people often become persona non grata when they retire. They are seen but not heard. On board crowded buses and trains, they are not even seen! Few commuters would give up their seats for senior citizens despite repeated announcements on the train to do so. They would feign sleep or be busy on their mobile phones.

We forget that older persons have rights too, just like anyone else. June 15 was World Elder Abuse Awareness Day. How many of us were aware of the significance of the day? It passed quietly, with hardly any major event to mark the day.

Often it takes a news report of a grandpa abandoned at a bus stop with just RM2 in his pocket and a bag of chips to remind us that elder abuse exists, and in increasing numbers.

The elderly are vulnerable to abuse – financial, physical, psychological, emotional, and believe it or not, sexual abuse.

The actual figures don’t give a true picture as most cases go unreported, especially when the guilty are family members. Reporting the abuse would be airing their shame in public, and a reflection of the lack of filial piety in their adult children.

One of the most fundamental rights of the elderly is the right to have shelter, a roof over their head, a place to call home. Take a walk in the inner-city streets. You will be confronted with the sight of homeless elderly sleeping at bus stops or on cardboard pieces spread out along the five-foot ways of shuttered shops or under flyovers.

They rummage through garbage bins to see what they can pick up to sell for a pittance. The ones that are hard to ignore are those sitting on the pavements near popular shopping malls, with the hope that passersby would be moved to give alms.

At their age these seniors should be enjoying their golden years pursuing their passions and playing with their grandchildren.

Untold stories

I once spent three months in downtown areas getting to know the homeless elderly for a documentary project. I wanted to understand the circumstances that led to their situation.

How do they survive the daily challenges of living on the streets without a roof over their heads and without a dime in their pockets?

Here is what I learnt.

It’s not that they want to live on the streets, but many have no choice due to various circumstances beyond their control. For some, their plight is of their own making.

Some have families but shame resulting from gambling debts, drug addiction or failure to find employment stops them from returning to their homes. Others choose the streets over welfare shelters with all the rules and restrictions as they want to retain their freedom and independence.

Those who have been on the streets long enough know where to go for free breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are soup kitchens that distribute food packages and bottles of drinking water.

NGOs and good Samaritans are there to provide sustenance. Food is not so much a problem as money. There are also young medical teams that do weekly rounds to treat the sick and those with infected open wounds.

The hungry are grateful for these free meals and handouts which often include face masks, medicated oil and Panadol. They eat sitting on the pavement, next to piles of stinky uncleared garbage with flies hovering around. At night the mosquitoes take over.

While some have marked out their territorial space along the pavements with their belongings, others are more itinerant, dragging their worn-out trolley bag of clothes and essentials from place to place. There is safety in numbers so it is common to find them congregating in groups at night to avoid getting mugged or robbed of their meagre belongings.

Taking daily baths is a luxury. They wash their clothes with pails of water sourced from restaurants nearby, and leave their laundry to dry on bushes or makeshift clothes lines. The street corners and back lanes are their urinals. Hence the overwhelming stench of pee that assails the nostrils.

Regardless of the circumstances that have led to their current state of destitution, the homeless elderly need a helping hand from the government, NGOs or some good Samaritans. Unfortunately, many of them fall outside the welfare radar. They are not aware they are eligible for welfare aid. Nor do they know where to go to seek help. Talk to any one of them, and they will tell you they are just waiting to die.

It is hard to understand how anyone could be all alone in the world, with no family members or friends to turn to in times of need. But it happens. No one wants to be in a situation like this. No one deserves to be in a situation like this.

It can happen to anyone. Even the wealthy can end up poor and homeless if a sudden calamity befalls them. Wars, accidents and natural disasters can render us in need of helping hands.

Some have a shared rented room to go back to at the end of the day. But there are many who cannot afford a roof over their head. These are the ones who set up “home” along pavements, under bridges and in the void decks of apartment blocks. They literally live from hand to mouth, from day to day.

The hungry are grateful for the free meals given by good Samaritans and organisations which they often eat, sitting on the pavements. — LILY FU

What needs to be done

Once again, the government is talking about the proposed Senior Citizens Bill. Way back in 2013, I remember being interviewed on radio for my views on the proposed Bill. There was talk then of introducing a Maintenance of Parents Act similar to that already implemented in countries such as India and Singapore. There were differing views from various quarters on whether there should be legislations to protect and care for our warga emas. The debates would taper off, only to resurface when an elder abuse case makes the headlines again.

All talk, but no action. Lately it has again become the topic of public interest and controversy.

I can understand the government’s reluctance to implement it. There are certain quarters that view it necessary to introduce such legislations.

There are also groups that oppose it as unjustified “punishment”. They argue adult children may not be in a position financially to care for their ageing parents as well as their children.

With longer life expectancy, middle-aged couples could be looking at supporting two sets of elderly parents and grandparents! A heavy financial burden indeed.

If the proposed Bill is similar to Singapore’s Maintenance of Parents Act, then it is not meant to be seen as punishment but as a deterrent. There is room for cases to be heard by a Tribunal. The aim is to recommend reconciliation. The amount awarded to the parent is also dependent on the financial situation of the adult children.

Not every case brought to the Tribunal is a win for the parent.

While waiting for the Bill to be passed, here’s what we can all do:

• Set up more halfway houses or Anjung Singgah to provide temporary housing for abandoned elderly and the jobless. Extend the current two-week free board to a month. This gives them more time to look for a job.

• Remove ageism in employment. Allow those who are still fit and capable to continue working.

• Establish a skills-based training centre for older people to enable them to be self-supporting.

• Introduce programmes and activities that strengthen family bonding and intergenerational understanding.

• Promote an active lifestyle so that every citizen will age well. Our health and well-being are our responsibility. Start early. Start young.

• Be good examples for our children by caring for our elderly at home.

The Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development, to their credit, have initiated various programmes to promote healthy lifestyle and lifelong learning.

There are Pusat Activiti Warga Emas (PAWE) for older persons to meet up and enjoy social activities. The University of the Third Age (U3A) conducts short courses both online and onsite to Malaysians 50 and above. But most of these programmes are held in the Klang Valley and in the bigger towns. Those in rural areas have yet to benefit fully from these initiatives.

While it is next to impossible to completely eradicate poverty and homelessness, it pricks our conscience to stand by and do nothing. But how many can we help? How much can we do? It requires a whole-nation approach, not just the government alone.

Ultimately, it’s the family, the home that is the best starting point for teaching and learning. Positive family dynamics is vital for bonding. Next come the schools, the friends and peers, and finally the community. The government and NGOs cannot solve major social problems without everyone pitching in too.

Where there is a will strong enough, there is always a way. Homelessness may not be completely eradicated, but it can certainly be reduced.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print copy of The Star dated Wed 1 July 2026 at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2026/07/03/are-we-failing-our-neglected-seniore)

TWO FACES OF AGEING: OLD AGE MAY BRING LOSS, BUT HOW WE AGE IS UP TO US

There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. Seniors should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances they are dealt with and make the best of the situation. — Magnific

 

Ask young people in their 20s what they think of old people. You can bet they will come up with a long list of adjectives, mostly negative.

“Cranky, senile, grouchy, grumpy, loud, naggy, long-winded, stubborn, bossy, irritating, preachy, argumentative ...” – you get the picture. Of course, not all old people are painted this way. But this is generally how old people are perceived by the young. It depends very much on the elderly people they come into contact with or see in public places.

I have to say I do agree with them to some extent. By virtue of my community work, I meet elderly people every day at senior group activities, on public transport and at the aged care homes I visit.

How did old people get to be so cantankerous? Why do old people always complain? Why do they always insist they are right, that everyone, especially the young, should listen to them? They love to remind the young they have been there, done that, seen that. Bragging. How did they become such poor company to be with? I have asked myself the same questions too. Am I like that? At least sometimes?

We will all grow old one day, perhaps we should try to understand why old people are the way they are. Maybe we can learn what not to do, what not to be when our time comes. We can learn to age gracefully with dignity, and be loved and respected by all.

Empathy first

Let’s start by putting ourselves in the shoes of an 80-year-old man. He has limited funds and no source of steady income, so he complains about soaring prices. He recalls the old days when a cup of kopitiam coffee cost only 40sen. Now it’s RM3.60 or more at the mamak stall. More if he has a cup at a café.

There was a time when he could travel and enjoy an active social life. These days he is mostly at home alone, unable to venture out because he no longer drives and there’s no one free to take him out. His perennially busy adult children have little time for him.

Once upon a time he lived to eat. Now he eats to live. His diet is restricted to low-fat, no sugar and bland soft foods. No more of his favourite hawker food, no more culinary indulgences, all because he has a host of health problems to deal with that doesn’t allow him to eat whatever he fancies. Dental issues further limit his enjoyment of food. He shuffles in pain with every step he takes because of his weak knees and osteoporosis.

His hobbies no longer interest him. He has given up reading because of poor vision. He has little interest in watching TV as the programmes don’t appeal to him. His hearing is no longer what it used to be. He can’t explore the rich diversity of information on the Internet as he is computer-illiterate. He refuses to learn as he feels he is past the age of learning. He considers any new learning as useless to him at his age. Thus, he remains unteachable.

As a young man, he was blessed with good health and vitality. Now the passage of time has reduced him to a frail shadow of his former self, with all the accompanying aches and pain of old age. Few friends drop by to see him, as they are in the same boat as he is. He sits in his arm-chair or lies in bed the whole day long with only his memories of the good old days to keep him company.

It is no wonder such old people are bitter and grouchy. They have all the time in the world to gripe about everything under the sun, from high prices to corruption among politicians and uncaring children.

What a horrible way to grow old! We can’t stop growing old, but we can certainly choose how we want to grow old.

Choose wisely

We can choose to grow old complaining about things from A to Z. Or we can choose to focus our attention on the things that make us happy, like our grandchildren, like being able to look back at happy times with nostalgia, and not compare them with the present.

There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. We should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances we are dealt with and make the best of the situation. Let’s embrace our twilight years with joie de vivre (the joy of living) and fill each day with love and gratitude, not bitterness or regret.

If we want our children and grandchildren to spend time with us, if we want friends to visit or invite us out, then we should ensure we are good company to be with. If we are always feeling sorry for ourselves, always complaining and comparing now and then, we become boring company that others want to avoid.

Let’s keep our personal stories to ourselves. Not everyone is keen to know about the highs and lows of our lives. Old people just love to go on and on, ignoring the look of boredom and feigned interest in their listeners.

What a horrible way to grow old!

It is the same with old women too. They still complain but much less than their husband. The big difference is they have many things to keep them busy like helping with the grandchildren, doing community work or taking up some short courses. They are too busy to waste time on wallowing in self-pity and regret.

Which begs the question – why do some men and women age better than others? What do they do that is different?

The answer lies in their attitude to life, to old age, how they deal with the downside of old age. They continue to take care of their health, physically and mentally. They think positive. They bring up the past only if it’s relevant and asked for. They don’t waste time on regrets and wishful thinking on what could have been. They face ageing with positivity. They are passionate about life, about the purpose of their being, about what and how they can contribute towards making their family and community happy.

Living with purpose

When we have a purpose or goal in our lives, it becomes the driving force for us to want to age well so that we can achieve it. That goal doesn’t have to be big. Size is immaterial. Dedication is what matters. That goal could be as simple as working to be a better grandparent, a better neighbour, a better friend. When we make others happy, we are making ourselves happy too.

It’s also about making an early start to being active, and maintaining it through the years. A daily regime of exercise strengthens our immune system and protects our body against frailty. That elusive fountain of youth is actually right within every one of us. But we need to work at it, take better care of ourselves in mind, body and spirit. When we enjoy good health, a happy family life and close friendships, we have nothing much to complain about. Life is good because we have worked to ensure that it is so. Laying the foundation early in our working life will result in a stress-free contented retirement. We become pleasant company to be with, for the young and not-so-young. That is how it should be, to grow old gracefully and with dignity.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in The Star on Wed 3 June 2926.)

THE COST OF NOT AGEING WELL

More seniors are getting serious about strength training exercises. Using resistance bands is a simple and effective way to strengthen muscles and prevent sarcopenia or muscle loss. — SHARON POON

 

According to data from the National Health and Morbidity Survey 2025, about 85.3% of our senior citizens are not ageing healthily. Only 14.7% meet the criteria for healthy ageing. This is not surprising.

We have seen evidence of this trend around us. The warning bell has rung over and over again, in report after report, in speech after speech by the health minister.

Perhaps we have become immune to these calls to take better care of our health. Perhaps we have too many temptations to fight against. It is much easier to just give in to bad lifestyle habits.

After all, we only live once. Why not throw caution to the wind? Live life to the fullest, enjoy all the bad habits while we can. Maybe we won’t live long enough to pay the price.

Who would want to live to an old age if our body is frail, our mind has grown senile and we are in pain every single minute?

We can’t avoid getting older each year, but biologically, those who have followed a regime of looking after their health and paying attention to what they eat and drink tend to age better, the columnist opines.

Time to change

But old age doesn’t have to be like this.

Whether we live in the cities, small towns or in the villages, Malaysians are generally aware of what constitutes a healthy lifestyle to age well.

We are constantly reminded by articles on health in the media, in the viral videos that so many of us forward in WhatsApp chat groups, and in the numerous talks and webinars on health.

We know what to do to remain fit and healthy, to avoid diseases and live to a ripe old age. It is common knowledge, and common sense. There’s no secret about it.

Exercise. Be active. Watch what we eat. Get enough sleep. Be socially connected. Take care of our physical and mental health. Avoid stress. Learn to relax. Don’t harbour anger, envy or regrets. Forgive and move on. Easy to advise, easy to listen to, nod and agree.

But, and here’s the problem: How many of us actually put all these Do’s and Don’ts into practice?

Knowing is not doing. Being inspired by what we read does not necessarily translate into being motivated by it. No one wants to live with aches, pains and be dependent on long term aged care.

But motivation requires action. What is the point of knowing something that can help us, but we don’t do anything about it? That knowledge remains passive, of no real benefit to us.

We can easily rattle off a list of what we should and should not do to age well. But all the advice given is useless if it just goes in one ear and out the other. Just blowing in the wind, but never catching it.

For a habit to form, it takes discipline to stick with something until our body gets so accustomed to it, we feel at odds if we skip it. Like brushing our teeth or having a cup of coffee in the morning to start the day.

Take exercise, for example. It requires effort to set aside a certain time to do stretching, strength training or just brisk walking on a regular basis.

We have become so good at making excuses not to do anything that takes effort, like getting up at 6am to exercise. Is laziness or inertia inborn? When we don’t feel up to doing anything that requires commitment, we find excuses for it.

“It’s so boring to exercise alone. I feel tired today; I don’t have time; I have urgent matters to see to; The gym equipment in my condo is so old. My knees hurt.” Take your pick from these excuses.

As for food, it takes almost superhuman effort to watch what we eat. It takes strong will power to walk through the food court in a shopping mall without succumbing to the temptation of donuts, desserts and ice cream lining both sides of our path.

Young Malaysians can’t resist processed food, packaged snacks, flavoured drinks and savouries. They will soon discover the heavy price to pay for years of consuming too much sugar.

Malaysia has the highest percentage of diabetes cases in Southeast Asia. Not a record to be proud of.

According to findings reported in the National Health and Morbidity (NHMS) Survey 2023, 84% of young Malaysian adults aged 18 to 29 were not aware they had diabetes. Unless there is early intervention, we will see a spike in serious complications resulting from undiagnosed diabetes in the years to come. The NHMS 2025 reports 39% of those aged 50 and above have diabetes.

The price of overeating and overindulgence in the wrong food can lead to a host of health issues, including obesity.

When we are overweight, we end up with heart problems. Our heart and our leg muscles have to do more work just to get us to move our body.

Changing habits

We can’t avoid getting older each year, but biologically, those who have followed a regime of looking after their health and paying attention to what they eat and drink tend to age better. They remain fit and energetic, and look 10 to 20 years younger than their chronological age.

A few aches here and there, greying hair and sagging skin are a natural part of ageing, but when we still have our five senses intact, when we are still mobile and have full cognitive function, we are ageing well.

That should be our goal and we should work towards it. Not to do so would mean ending up requiring assistance with activities of daily living, and paying hefty amounts for long term health care and medical insurance.

Listen to our body. It will give us early warning signs if something doesn’t feel quite right.

Some diseases develop silently and get progressively more serious over time. That is why it’s advisable to go for yearly screenings to be on the safe side. Outpatient fees for senior citizens at public hospitals is as low as RM1 to RM5, or free.

There really is no excuse for neglecting our health.

On a more positive note, we are seeing more older adults exercising in the parks, doing taichi, stretching and strength training with resistance bands.

Our Federal Territories Minister Hannah Yeoh has gazetted 539 green open spaces against illegal development. Good news indeed. To quote her, “Green spaces are more precious than gold for the well-being of city folks.”

The facilities in many of these parks have vastly improved. There are clean public toilets and more shelters against the vagaries of weather. There are also outdoor gyms that senior citizens can make use of.

We don’t need to spend much to keep fit and stay healthy as we age. Invest in a good pair of walking shoes, a set of stretch bands of different resistance to strength our muscles.

Drink enough water to remain hydrated, especially during this period of extreme hot weather. Sunlight is free. We need sufficient exposure to it for Vitamin D.

Fresh air is also free, so avoid staying indoors 24/7. No friends to accompany us? No transport? Excuses again!

When we are serious about our health, when we have experienced a medical procedure or surgery that costs us literally a leg, then and only then we wish we had taken better care of our health. But it could be too late.

The longer life span that we have now should come together with longer health span. Quality of life over quantity of years. When we age well, everyone benefits, not just us. Our children don’t have to spend a bomb on long-term care for us. Instead of allocating billions on building more hospitals and nursing homes, the government can invest more on community spaces that promote healthy activities.

Old habits die hard. New habits take time to develop and maintain. Let’s not make excuses. Let’s be serious and commit to adopting an active healthy lifestyle. The payback comes when we can live our retirement years fully mobile, independent and free from the need for long-term aged care. The time to start is now.

Be responsible for our health. No point regretting later when we are lying in a hospital bed, or confined to a wheelchair, with our body racked with pain. It would be too late then.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in The Star on Wed 6 May 2026 at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2026/05/06/the-cost-of-not-ageing-well )

Why fading family traditions start right at home

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. —Freepik

Around this time of year, questions about whether I’ll be returning to my hometown for Cheng Beng inevitably start coming up.

“No” is my stock answer.

You see, I hardly knew my father except for a few memories of him during my primary school days. He passed away at age 37 from an illness. I was only nine then. I do recall visiting his grave a couple of times and helping to sweep away the piles of dry leaves and weeds that had accumulated over the preceding 11 months. I remember standing in front of the grave with joss sticks in my hands, listening to the elders praying aloud in Hokkien. Not all my siblings and relatives could be there. My paternal grandmother was unable to make the trip to the cemetery due to her age. It would mean travelling out of town and walking up a hill under the blazing sun.

As the years passed, I was told only a handful of family members would observe this annual ritual of visiting my father’s grave to pay their respects. Too troublesome, they complain as they have moved to other towns or settled overseas.

It is the same story I hear from my friends.

The number of family members visiting the cemeteries to pray to their dearly departed and do some “tomb-sweeping” has dwindled due to various reasons, mainly inconvenience and apathy.

The younger generation show little interest in such observances. To them, their grandparents and great grandparents are total strangers. They feel no attachment, no interest. The only time they get to know something about them is through the stories and anecdotes their parents occasionally share.

It was different for my mother. She passed away at age 95 in 2021. She was cremated and her ashes scattered in the sea. We preserve the memory of both my parents in a plaque posted on a remembrance wall in a Buddhist temple in Petaling Jaya.

Every year during Cheng Beng, only my brother, his wife and I pay our respects at the temple. Eventually when the three of us are gone, will anyone continue with this observance at the temple? I have my doubts.

Changing times

This is how traditions die or evolve with the times. Our elders, parents and grandparents are the story-tellers, curators of the family history and genealogy. They preserve and perpetuate the traditions and customs of their ancestry.

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. The same goes for dialects and mother tongue. In many Chinese homes, English or Mandarin is spoken, not Cantonese, Teochew or Hakka.

Children learn by observation, and the home is where it all begins, the writer reflects. Pictured is her youngest grandson with her mother, in a photograph taken several years ago. — LILY FU

Young English-educated doctors are finding it a problem communicating with their elderly patients who only understand dialect. My children hardly speak any dialect. My fault.

I never picked up enough dialect to speak it fluently to my daughters. Likewise with traditional practices such as preparing festive food at home. I still have fond memories of my elderly aunts sitting together in my grandma’s kitchen, spending hours preparing rice cakes for Chinese New Year, and rice dumplings for the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Now we can buy them in many varieties already cooked from stalls in Chinatown. So convenient. The same goes for ketupat. No need to source for young coconut leaves to weave into ketupat. Just buy ready-cooked ketupat from the shops, or purchase them online. Saves hours of weaving the ketupat by hand in time for the Raya celebrations.

Many traditions no longer remain – mainly because our parents didn’t practise them, didn’t teach us by example. My mother didn’t adopt most of these traditional practices, so I couldn’t learn from her. I didn’t have enough interest to learn on my own to pass it down to my children. Thus, this ignorance and indifference are perpetuated. Ultimately, we lose a part of our culture and traditions.

Children learn by observing and doing.

My 113-year-old role model and mentor Teresa Tsu once said, “There are no naughty children – only naughty parents.”

So very true. She probably meant parents who didn’t teach their children well about traditions, customs and values, including respect for the elders and filial piety.

Preserving traditions

Unlike heritage buildings which we can preserve (kudos to the excellent restoration work done on Seri Negara and Bangunan Sultan Abdul Samad), it’s a different story when it comes to preserving traditions and values, which are best taught by example and practice.

Let’s take the Confucian concept of filial piety. Like traditions, this is rapidly being redefined and reinterpreted to suit the current times. This is inevitable given the change in the structure of the family home.

The traditional three-generation family home filled with the laughter and cries of children is becoming rare, now replaced by an empty silence. The children have grown and flown, to start their own nest and fill it with their own brood.

This affects the bonding between the generations. The grandchildren are not exposed to how their parents treat their grandparents with respect and care. This gap can be narrowed if parents bring along their young children to visit the grandparents regularly.

Alternatively, grandparents can offer to help out by looking after the children on weekdays while their parents are at work. The onus is on the parents to ensure close family ties are maintained.

With technology, this can easily be done through regular online platforms such as Zoom or Whatsapp. When there is little intergeneration contact and communication, filial piety goes out the window. So does respect for the elderly.

I see this on a daily basis on crowded trains and buses. The young occupy priority seats while the elderly stand.

By extension, when filial piety is eroded, who among the adult children will offer to look after the remaining parent when the other is gone?

Who among them will invite the surviving parent to move in with them? The eldest son because it is expected of him? Or the daughter who is single or divorced? Will they do so willingly or grudgingly? Why?

Because it’s one extra mouth to feed and care for? Because the relationship has always been strained from the start?

As for the parents, how does this make them feel?

Frankly, most of the seniors I have spoken to prefer to live on their own, alone, rather than be a burden to the children. When it’s no longer safe for them to live alone due to increasing old age and comorbidities, the only option is either to move to an assisted living facility or a nursing home.

In the worst-case scenario, the elderly parent is packed off to a welfare old folk home. This is the reality facing the elderly living alone, and where there is a breakdown of family ties.

There are families where respect for the elderly is drummed into everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest. The parents show by example how they treat their elderly parents with little daily acts of care and gratitude. The children observe and soon learn to repeat these acts of kindness with their grandparents. It is not enough to teach, but for learning to take root, it must be practised till it becomes intrinsic, as part of one’s character.

To conclude, let’s make a concerted effort to improve family ties, preserve traditions and inculcate values. Home is where everything begins, where parents teach and show by example, and where children learn by observing and doing.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 8 April 2026.)