TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH, FOREVER

It is a challenge these days to find couples who have been HAPPILY married for at least fifty years. Note the word HAPPILY. Many older couples remain together but there is no love lost between husband and wife, and it is plain for all to see. There is little or no communication, even less physical touch. It is like two strangers living under the same roof out of convenience. For these couples, the spark of love has long died, never to be rekindled.

It takes a lot of hard work to nurture a relationship, a lot of give and take to reach that stage where one simply can't live without the other. They complete each other. Each is the other half, and they fit perfectly together.

Like this elderly couple. The photo is one of my favorites - a tender moment captured in time. I happened to be behind them one fine morning. With their backpacks and walking shoes, they looked all set for a day out in the city. I couldn't help noticing how he held her hand all the way and shielded her from passing vehicles. How sweet!

Loving, caring husbands are a dying breed. So are loving, caring wives. Perhaps it all boils down to incompatibility. They were not meant for each other in the first place.

It is, therefore, such a pleasure for me to introduce two couples who are blessed to have found each other to share their life's journey with. Here's what they have to say about staying happily married, in their own words, and specially for our SeniorsAloud blog readers.

Picture perfect couple Mrs J (Mdm Surjeet Kaur), 73, and Mr Jagjeet Singh, 80. They have been married 52 years.

Secrets of a long lasting marriage - by Mrs J

1. Expect to have lots of challenges as you both grow in years ... familiarity does not really help .. but don't take each other for granted especially as a woman I want to feel appreciated for manaqing the home and taking good care of the household. It's a never-ending task and responsibility but if appreciated the sky is the limit. I am thus appreciated for a LOT OF WHAT  I do and it is expressed in many different loving ways.

Mr and Mrs J have two sons and five grandchildren who keep them very busy,
but they enjoy every minute of bonding time with their grandchildren.

2. Both must help in putting the house in order. Every woman appreciates it when the man chips in. Mine cooks excellent chicken curry ... the family calls his curry with a signature name: 'Dada's Special Chicken Curry!'  'Dada' means paternal grandpa.

3. Frequent short weekend getaways together to stay romantic and in love.

4. Do things together. We do Nordic Walking. Although he is a golfer we make sure there are two days we Nordic Walk together in Lake Gardens...

5. Keep busy. Give space to each other to breathe and do their own things, so you have no time to get on each other's nerves. The busier you are, the happier you are...No time to be picky.

Footnote: Mrs J and I have been friends since the 1970s when we started our careers as teachers. She has the distinction of being the first senior I interviewed way back in May 2008 for the article 'Forever Young'. In recent years, Mrs J has developed a passion for Nordic Walking and calls it 'the best total body workout for seniors'. She is the country's first and possibly only certified Nordic Walking instructor. If you are interested to learn more, you can contact her at 03-7610 2714, or 012-2005 276.


No half-measures when you love someone - by Tony Lee

Still lovey dovey after all these years! Wish we had more old school gentlemen like Tony and fiesty grandmas like Suzanne.

Tips for a happy marriage:-

a)  The secret to a happy life is giving God the first part of the day, the first priority to every decision and the first place in your heart.

Tony is now 92,  and Suzanne is 90. They have been happily married for 67 wonderful years. 

b)  Of course every life should have some mystery in it and I am thrilled that mine takes the form of Suzanne. She has been all that I want as a partner on life's journey.

c)  We don't  pray to God so that He will change His mind. We pray to God so that we will change - and if we change, our situation can change.

d)  Love is a decision! You will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology.

e)  You do not marry someone you can live with; you marry the person whom you cannot live without.

Footnote: I first read about Suzanne when she was featured in The Star article 'Fit As A Fiddle' in Feb 2012. I was so inspired by what I read that I contacted Tony shortly after. We have been in touch via email ever since. Suzanne has created her own unique daily regime to keep in shape and in good health, and they certainly have worked for her. For more about Tony and Suzanne's fitness tips, visit their blog at https://suzannetony.wordpress.com/

ACROSS THE CAUSEWAY IN SINGAPORE

Over in Singapore, to commemorate the golden jubilee of the republic, and to celebrate Valentine's Day, 50 pioneer generation couples shared their love stories in book. Four couples were interviewed by The Straits Times about what it takes for a marriage to last a lifetime. All images below are from The Straits Times.

Mr Chong Siew Chin, 78, and Mdm Eng Theng Sing, 81. Read more at http://bit.ly/1A5Hyb5

Mr Syed Mohammad Syed Umar Shahab, 83, and Mdm Sharifah Noraini Syed Hussein Alsagoff, 77. Food plays a big part in their marriage. More at http://bit.ly/1CqVxX2

Mr Mahn Singh Bajaj, 87, and Mdm Suhinder Kaur, 85. Being able to compromise is their binding secret. More at http://bit.ly/1A5IagT

Mr Lim Sai Meng, 91, and Mdm Poh Boon Quee, 86. No harsh words even after six decades together. More at http://bit.ly/1DqcQLO

THE PLACE TO GO TO FOR YOUR NEXT LUNCH

Is it possible to have a decent lunch in Kuala Lumpur City Centre area for RM5, inclusive of a soup and a drink? The answer is YES. That is, if you don't mind eating vegetarian and you are not particular about the location.

I first wrote about this makan place in Jalan Ampang in my blog article "VALUE FOR MONEY - VEGETARIAN MEALS AT THE TEMPLE". That was in November 2011. With food prices escalating, it is time to promote this temple canteen again. It has become my favorite place to eat whenever I am in the vicinity, and that is often!

It is hard to beat this canteen for price, taste and variety. If you are among the early birds, you get free soup or dessert. The place gets filled up very fast after 12 noon, and the queues at the cashiers can be long.

It is self-service all the way, including clearing your own plates, bowls and glasses, and making sure there are no bits of food left on your table. Everyone cooperates in observing the temple rules of cleanliness. So the tables and floor are always clean.

My lunch of brown rice, taufoo, greens and vegetable curry, plus soup and a glass of lime juice all for RM5. You can have bigger portions for the same price. 

The place welcomes all. Although the majority of the people who eat there are Chinese office workers, there are many Indians, Sikhs and also Malays. The word has probably got around as I see more foreigners and backpackers patronizing the canteen too.

Very orderly and effcient system in place to keep the canteen clean at all times.

The canteen opens only for lunch on weekdays. You enter via the main entrance. The corridor on your left takes you to the back of the temple where the canteen is located. The temple is about midway between KLCC and Ampang Park, and opposite Corus Hotel. Shouldn't be difficult to find the place.

The next time you find yourself in Jalan Ampang near KLCC, and looking for a place to have lunch, head over to this temple canteen. You will be glad you did. Happy makan!

RISING COSTS OF DEATH

The Nirvana Memorial Garden (above) is expanding its existing premises to house more niches in a new block at its existing compound in the next five years. -- ST PHOTO: ALPHONSUS CHERN 

As world population ages, funeral services have risen in demand. Death is a thriving business, and after-death service providers like Nirvana and Xiao En are expanding to cope with the rise in demand for niches in columbariums.

'Carving a niche in after-death services' (ST)

In land-scarce Singapore, we can forget about purchasing a burial plot. Cremation is the way to go. Charges for niches in columbarium can be as high as SGD20,000 and more. If money is not a problem, Nirvana Memorial Garden in Singapore offers an opulent eternal resting place for the dearly departed.

In Malaysia, the next-of-kin of an EPF (Employees Provident Fund) contributor is entitled to receive a sum of RM2500 to help defray funeral expenses. Click here for more details about EPF's Death Withdrawal Benefits.

This is the reality for many families whether in the UK or Singapore. One reason why columbariums are gaining popularity.
Source: The Independent, UK

Planning Your Own Funeral

Cheh! The Chinese would say. Such bad taste to talk about death, especially one's own death. But why do we encourage people to plan for their retirement, but balk at going one step further - encourage them to plan ahead for their death? Perhaps it is to do with cultural superstitions. The mere mention of death may hasten one's demise, so the Chinese would have us believe. But if we don't do it while we are still alive and kicking, when then? I have attended wakes and funerals that made me wonder if the deceased would have preferred their final goodbye to be more of a celebration of a life well-lived than a mourning of a life cut short.

Funeral costs are skyrocketing worldwide, but there is no guarantee that you get your dream funeral. So why not plan your own, down to the smallest details like your favourite flowers and the music you want played. You can choose what outfit to be clothed in for your final rites. You decide whether you want a simple exit from this world, or an elaborate one with plenty of fanfare to herald your departure to the next world. That way you have control over the expenses.

Over the years I have come across some refreshingly creative obituaries in the local papers. I wouldn't be surprised if they were the result of a visit to the Life Before Death website.

lifebeforedeath.com helps you plan your funeral the way you want it. Give it a visit out of curiosity, if nothing else.

Back in July 2010, I wrote about planning for death in my blog article 'Before we kick the Bucket...'. The time is right to re-introduce the Life Before Death website to more folks who may want to have a hand in deciding how they want their last farewell to be. Kudos to the Lien Foundation, Singapore, for taking the initiative to commission the Economist Intelligence Unit to collate data from 40 countries and come up with the Quality of Death index. It is a useful guide to gauge, for example, the cost and quality of palliative care in each of the 40 countries, and the level of government involvement in end-of-life care.

Overall ranking in the Quality of Death Index. UK tops the list, Singapore is 18th, and Malaysia is 33rd out of 40 countries that were surveyed. Governments can learn from the UK model what they can do to improve end-of-life care.

Aside from the QOD Index, the website provides a comprehensive guide to help you prepare for that very important farewell party, from choosing your happy casket to selecting your funeral playlist. It also includes suggestions for your bucket list, choosing your favorite photos and writing your own obituary. The whole idea is to dispel taboos surrounding death, give the soon-to-depart a bigger voice in planning their funeral, and make the last goodbye a more positive and dignified experience for the bereaved family and friends.

There are other websites that offer pre-planning for your funeral or memorial service. A standard checklist is available at Everplans website - a very useful guide for your next-of-kin to give you the kind of memorial service you want. Another website to note is My Wonderful Life. Read what the Wall Street Journal has to say about the website in 'Planning That Final Party'.

When my time comes, I want my family and friends to give me a fun-filled send-off party to remember me by. I know what flowers, food, and music I want. Definitely no black mourning clothes. Everyone must come in bright colours. Most important, no filing past my open casket for everyone to have a last look at me. It will be a closed casket. I refuse to be put on public display. I am sure my children will see that my wishes are honoured.

SEVEN LIFE LESSONS FROM STEPHEN HAWKING

There are several lessons we can take away from the movie "The Theory of Everything". I watched it two weeks ago and found it very inspiring on many levels. I know I will never pick up Stephen Hawking's international bestseller "A Brief History of Time". I am just not that cerebral, nor into science or maths. You won't catch me reading "A Briefer History of Time" either, or "The Universe in a Nutshell". I would probably find them too intellectually challenging to digest. Nope, for me, nothing like an Oscar-nominated movie to get me all fired up to learn more about Stephen Hawking, reputed to possess the greatest mind on earth.

Here's what I took away from the movie, and from my googling about Stephen Hawking, the man, the husband and the father, NOT so much about Stephen Hawking, the cosmotologist.

1. Never give up 

Hawking's doctors gave him two to three years to live after he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), a motor neuron disease, at the age of 21. He was then studying at the University of Cambridge. Today, he is still around and just celebrated his 73rd birthday on 8 January, 2015.

How long we live is not solely the doctor's decision, but also up to us (our lifestyle which is within our control) and God.

2. Knowledge is limitless

There is no such thing as "Been there, done that" or "You can't teach Grandma to suck eggs". Many older folks don't take well to advice or suggestions to learn new skills. They consider themselves already experienced and knowledgeable.

Lifelong learning is a journey that ends only with our last breath.


3. Celebrate life. Be thankful that we can wake up every morning to greet another new day.

Despite Hawking's physical limitations which could have easily driven a lesser man to bitterness and despair, Hawking maintained his sense of humor and was able to see the lighter side of some of his predicaments as when he lost the ability to speak and had to use first the spelling cards and later the speech synthesizer to communicate. In all his interviews, his wit and sense of humour is evident in his responses to the questions asked.

The ability to laugh and to look on the bright side helps to ward off self-pity and bitterness.

With first wife Jane in 1960s, and second wife Elaine Jason at their wedding in Sept 1995. Source: Daily Mail

4. Stay young-at-heart

Hawking never allowed ALS to rob him of the joy of being a parent. He had three children with his first wife Jane. He was close to all of them, and would often join them in their games, chasing after them in his motorised wheelchair to the delight of the children.

Having fun and being playful helps us to remain young-at-heart.

Hawking with Jane and their children in 1983. Source: Mirror

5. Never be idle

There is always something we can do and succeed in. Find it, and make it our driving force, our passion. When we enjoy doing something, it is no longer work. Don't just keep the hands busy, keep the mind active too. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. An active mind also helps to reduce the risk of Alzheimer's.

6. Quit being grouchy and grumpy

We know what folks say about old people - we are always finding fault and complaining about this or that. Whether it's the weather, the government, the younger generation, the cost of living, the lack of respect for the elderly, blah, blah blah - we have an endless list of things and people to complain about. How did we turn into such horrible grouches? We have ourselves to blame if others don't enjoy our company.

Smile more, complain less, and see what a difference that makes in our relationship with others.

7. Look beyond our physical limitations

As we age, it is inevitable that we slow down physically. Some of us will face health problems that may lead to a reduced quality of life and increased dependence on others to do things for us. Hawking never let his disabilities hamper his work or his life. He lost the ability to use his limbs, and later the ability to speak. For a professor who was still teaching at Cambridge, it was a huge blow. But he found a way to get around his many setbacks, thanks in part to technology, and to a fierce determination to beat all odds. Believe it or not, Hawking has not retired, and continues to give talks and lectures.

Update: Hawking passed away on 14 March 2018 at age 76.

CHOOSING A NURSING HOME

There may come a time when caring for your AD or Dementia afflicted relative at home is no longer feasible. So with great reluctance, anxiety and apprehension you face the inevitable - the need to transfer your loved one to a Nursing Home. Today, an ever increasing number of us face this sad situation owing to the lack of available suitable helpers or family members to care for our aging relatives at home.

To meet this growing need Nursing Homes have become a thriving business and a common feature in most suburbs. Most are established in remodelled existing bungalows rather than in purpose-built facilities. Nearly all have attractive websites promising appealing surroundings and tender loving care.

How then do you choose a Home for your beloved relative? Simple answer – be informed. Disregard the website promises: visit the Homes, observe and investigate. Most importantly, ask the right questions.

Assuming that you are checking out a licensed Home that fits your budget and is easily accessible, the following is a brief list of what to look for, and questions you need to ask the Home Administrator and/or Nurse in Charge before you entrust your relative to any Home.

Staff should not only be qualified and experienced, but also be caring.

THE NURSING HOME STAFF

Investigate this aspect very carefully as you will be leaving your loved one in their care 24/7. Observe how they interact with residents, whether they address residents with respect and kindness, whether they seem more interested in their phones/iPads or TV rather than attending to residents.

Questions to ask: 
What is staff/resident ratio? How many nurses/carers/helpers? Are nurses and other staff trained for AD/Dementia care? How they are trained? Do they attend ADFM’s or other courses? Do they watch training videos? Are they given handouts/guidelines on how to handle problematic behaviour? Ask to see these guidelines. Ask how they would handle the specific problem behaviour that your relative may have, e.g. wandering, aggression etc. Ask about the Home’s policy regarding use of restraints.

A clean, spacious and airy dorm with enough sunlight coming in. Note the attached bathroom and toilet.

THE FACILITIES

(Indoors): Is it clean? Odour-free? Cheerful? Have a pleasing decor rather than an odd assortment of cheap, worn-out furniture? Are upholstered chairs stained by food, urine etc? Are rooms spacious enough for the number of beds in them? Do all rooms have windows? Are rooms air-conditioned and not gloomy, hot and stuffy? Are there handrails in the hallways and bathrooms? Are there emergency call bells in each bathroom and beside beds? Are residents’ rooms and public areas safe, e.g. no slippery rugs, nothing on top of cupboards? Are there private areas for residents to be in when family and friends visit? Is there a table for residents to work or play at, do art, craft or puzzles, use iPads, play cards, etc?
(Outdoors):  Is there a garden with seating areas and paths for walking or exercise? Is the outdoor area obstacle-free with no open drains, stones and other hazards nearby?

A good nursing home should have a daily programme of activities and a well-planned daily menu.

QUALITY OF LIFE

A necessary feature of any care facility is a range of activities to keep residents active and happy to counteract the inevitable sense of isolation and insecurity they would feel away from their families.

As you are touring the building, notice if the residents appear to be doing something other than sitting on front of a TV. Look for a weekly activity schedule, which should be posted. If it isn’t, ask for one. Is there a games room or even a table for games? A library or even a bookshelf?  Computer work stations? Internet access? Any musical instruments/CD player?

Questions to ask
Are special activities available for those confined to their rooms or wheelchairs? Are volunteers encouraged to visit and/or provide programs? Any excursions, weekend and evening activities? Does the activity calendar reflect the interests of the residents? Ask to see the weekly schedule of activities. Are brain-building or memory-testing games available?

Singing and Bingo are popular activities at dementia care facilities..

QUALITY OF CARE

One of the first things to note is the overall well-being of residents. Determine if they seem alert and happy, and see if they look clean, well taken care of and properly groomed.

Questions to ask
Does the Home have a doctor on call? Does the doctor make regular visits to check on general health of residents? Are in-house services provided for residents’ hair, beauty and podiatry needs? How are residents’ dental/vision/hearing needs attended to? Are rehabilitation services available, such as occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy or recreational therapy? Do residents get enough morning sun and daily exercise? Does the Home keep a record of the residents’ backgrounds, e.g. their past life; their relatives; their likes/dislikes; what upsets them; what causes/triggers problematic behaviour etc? Ask to see sample record if possible.

Meal time at a nursing home. Photo: Straits Times

NUTRITION

Nutrition is a vital part of your loved one’s good health. Nursing Homes are first and foremost a business, so make sure cost-cutting measures do not mean your relative gets sub-standard and poor nutrition. Plan unscheduled visits during mealtimes if possible.

Does the food that is being served look and smell attractive and appetizing? Does the food appear to be nutritionally balanced? Are tables attractively set with proper utensils, cutlery and napkins instead of pieces of a toilet roll? Are residents interacting socially during meals? Are residents who need help being fed with patience and care?

Questions to ask 
Are there options for residents to choose from at mealtime? Ask to see the weekly menu. Does a dietician plan the menus taking into account the special needs of residents? Can relatives eat with their loved one occasionally? Are nutritious snacks available during the day and evening?

Once you have made your decision, stay vigilant. Voice your reservations to the Home Administrator about any indifference, inattentiveness, and lack of proper care of your loved one that you notice. Make sure your concerns are attended to. Here’s what a former US Nursing Home administrator says,

“There are good and bad administrators. What do I mean by “bad”? They listen with a smile as residents and families complain — then do nothing because they don’t want to make waves with nursing staff and Management. Their job is to simply keep costs down... period.”

Do not leave your beloved relative in the hands of a bad administrator.

(The above article was submitted by guest contributor Renee Tallala. The images were added by the editor.)

IS CANCER DUE TO BAD LUCK TOO?

(Photo from the researchers: C.Tomasetti, B.Vogelstein; Illustrator: Elizabeth Cook. Source: Johns Hopkins)

At our age, that is, 60s and 70s, we probably know of at least two or more people who have lost their battle against cancer. Everyone fears the big "C". The good news is many types of cancer are no longer terminal if diagnosed and treated early. Still, no one wants to hear a cancer prognosis from their doctor. The mere mention of the word is enough to invoke strong emotions of disbelief and despair in the patient.

I lost one of my aunts to lung cancer a while back. She never smoked in her entire life, but years of living with a chain smoker and inhaling secondary smoke probably contributed to her cancer. Her husband my uncle lived a longer life than she did. The irony of it.

That's a whole lot of smoke being exhaled. Imagine the damage that can do to our lungs over the years. 

We all know people who practise healthy living, meditate daily and faithfully go for regular medical check-ups. Yet they end up with cancer. On the other hand, there are those who break all the rules of clean, healthy living, and still live to a ripe old age, virtually disease-free, and with no major health problems.

Doesn't make sense, does it? It begs the questions - who gets cancer, who doesn't, and who recovers and who doesn't? Does God have a say in this? Or is it karma at work?

Perhaps the answer lies in the latest findings of a research study carried out by Dr B.Vogelstein and C.Tomasetti and published in Science on 1 January 2015.

The researchers: (left) Dr. Bert Vogelstein is professor of oncology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, co-director of the Ludwig Center at Johns Hopkins and an investigator at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute; (right) Cristian Tomasetti is a biomathematician and assistant professor of oncology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and Bloomberg School of Public Health.

“All cancers are caused by a combination of bad luck, the environment and heredity, and we’ve created a model that may help quantify how much of these three factors contribute to cancer development,” says Dr Vogelstein. (Click HERE to read about the methodology used.)

Bad luck? Hardly a scientific explanation, is it? A convenient answer, but not good enough to satisfy those who ask "Why me?"

According to the researchers, it is possible to mathematically quantify one's cancer risk by plotting the number of times a stem cell divides. The higher the number of divisons, the more likely the cells will mutate into cancer cells. However, they weren't able to include some major forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate cancer, due to a lack of reliable research on the rate of stem cell division in those areas.

Pity, because I have lost more friends and relatives from these two cancers than from other types of cancer.

Sabah snake grass (clinacanthus nutans) - a cure
for cancer? Doctors have warned against taking it. 

While still on the subject of cancer, I owe an explanation to the many well-meaning people who forward to me articles and videos about the latest cures for cancer. They wonder why I do not post the information on SeniorsAloud blog or facebook page to share with others.

I sincerely thank them for their thoughtful gesture, but conventional wisdom tells me since I have no medical background, I am in no position to support any claims of a cancer cure.

What works for one person may not necessarily work for another. I certainly do not want to be guilty of causing anyone to suffer complications arising from my sharing of a particular so-called cancer cure. And they are many such dubious cures on the Internet.

One example is the above. Would I want to share information about this herb that carries a '98%' cure claim? How much do I personally know about the efficacy of this herb? What if someone took the herb and suffered adverse side effects? Would I be held responsible to some extent? Yet articles about miracle cancer cures are popping up everywhere on Facebook.

The point to make is this. Let's do the research before sharing or recommending anything that claims to be good for our health, especially health products and supplements that carry a hefty price tag.