IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BOND WITH OUR CHILDREN

We don't have to be Americans, or be residing in the US to recoil with shock and horror at what happened in Sandy Hook elementary school on Friday 14 December. As we follow the media reports and watch the news updates on our TV screens, we can feel the pain and anguish that the bereaved families are going through at the loss of their beloved little ones.

In the aftermath of this mass shooting and others in recent years (and there have been quite a number), there are many questions that need to be asked. All these gunmen were at one time adorable little children.

Adam Lanza at 12

How did they grow into young men capable of such unspeakable and horrific deeds? What turned them into merciless monsters that could gun down innocent people, including children? Did they have a score to settle? Were they influenced by the violence they saw in video games, on screen and in the real world? What went wrong to turn them into loners and social misfits? What was the last straw that triggered them into taking so many lives? Surely there must have been some signs to warn the adults around them that these young men were becoming a threat to their community?

May they rest in peace

It all comes back to the school and to the home. These are the two places where children spend most of their growing up years. Do our schools have experienced and qualified counsellors to help at-risk students who have difficulty coping with teenage problems? These problems could be a result of their parents' divorce, falling grades, unwanted pregnancy, low self-esteem, or rejection. Parents are usually the last people these troubled teenagers will turn to, more so if there is no real bonding between the two generations.

Parenting has become very challenging. We have to be on our guard against so many potential negative influences on our children. The most effective safeguard, in my opinion, is to ensure our children have a solid foundation built on parent-child love, trust and respect. We should start building this foundation as soon as our children are able to understand the stories we read to them.

We must also practice what we teach them, and give them an anchor, a goal, a direction until they are old enough to find their own. It could be religion, or a passion for something e.g. sports, music, art, community service. When they reach their teenage years, we will have less to worry about. And when they leave home for work or for further studies, we know they won't get into too much trouble, and if they do, they know they can always talk it over with us. They know they are not alone, and we are always there for them.

My views are based on my 36 years as a high school teacher and my sister's 37 years as a much loved pre-school teacher. It is also based on the mistakes I have made as a parent and the lessons I have learned from these mistakes.

So back to basics - How well do we know our children? Do we know the names of their best buddies, their favourite teachers, their likes and dislikes? When was the last time we did something together with our children? Have we visited our son/daughter's Facebook page? How long has it been since we last attended our children's school functions, or spoken with their teachers?

The answers lie with us. And for many of us, it's time to step up as responsible parents.

SEX, DEATH AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

In the bustle of daily living, we rarely give any thought to life's big questions. It is usually in our quiet moments, or when we have experienced a life-changing event, or when we arrive at the departure lounge of life that we begin to reflect on our lives and ponder on what lies ahead for us.

BBC recently screened the 3-part series "Sex, Death and the Meaning of Life". Each episode follows Richard Dawkins, renowned atheist, English ethologist, evolutionary biologist, author and former University of Oxford's Professor for Public Understanding of Science, as he sets out on a quest to seek answers to some of life's big questions: Does God exist? Is there meaning in life? What part do we play in it? What is the role of sex in religion? Is everything, including natural disasters, predestined?

Join Richard Dawkins in his journey that takes him from the casinos of Las Vegas to Buddhist monasteries in the foothills of the Himalayas, to India's slums and to Joplin, Missouri, a city devastated by a tornado.

TO WORK TILL 60 OR RETIRE EARLY? YOU DECIDE

Still active and able to carry on working at 60+.
(Front page article of New Straits Times Dec 8, 2012)

So it's confirmed. The Minimum Retirement Age 2012 Act comes into effect on July 1, 2013. Under this Act which was passed in August last year, it is mandatory for employers in the private sector to retain their staff till they reach the new retirement age of 60. This move will affect close to 11 million workers.

Good news or bad news?

That depends on who you pose this question to. Employers in the private sector aren't exactly celebrating the news. Retaining older workers for another five years means higher pay-outs compared to hiring new and younger workers at a lower starting pay. Even among workers, not everyone is jumping for joy. Some have already made plans to retire at 55 and pursue other interests. Others can't wait to clock out for the last time and enjoy their golden years.

Dwindling value: RM1m won’t be sufficient
to retire for long.

Frankly, except for the few who have wisely planned ahead for a financially secure retirement, most people have little choice but to carry on working for as long as they are physically and mentally able to do so. Their EPF savings and pensions are simply not enough to see them through the next 20+ years given the average life expectancy of 75. Financial experts say that we would need to have at least RM1 million in retirement savings to enjoy the level of lifestyle we were accustomed to before retirement. How many of us have that much money saved up?

As it is, we are already complaining about escalating prices and soaring expenses. With inflation eating into our nest egg, we just have to keep on bringing home the bacon, especially if we have college-going children and elderly parents to support.

The impact of inflation (Source: The Star)

The younger generation of workers lament the loss of job opportunities and promotions when older workers stay on longer in their jobs. My response to them:

• Be glad that your parents are self-supporting. It means you get to spend more of your salary on yourself.
• Be glad that your parents have a job to keep them physically and mentally active. Would you rather have them bored and depressed at home?
• Not all younger workers have the wealth of experience that older workers have. How can they even think of replacing these older workers?
• Older workers can stay on to mentor younger, less experienced workers.
• The birth rate is declining while life expectancy is increasing. There will be fewer young people supporting the elderly. So the longer older workers remain employed, the lesser the pressure on the young to support them. 

Former Singapore PM Lee Kuan Yew, 86, advocates removing the retirement age. "You work as long as you can work and you will be healthier and happier for it. If you ask me to stop working all of a sudden, I think I'll just shrivel up, face the wall and just that."..."Many of our workers have a preferred retirement, and then they die early! It won't be long before the message sinks home that if you keep doing what you're doing for almost the whole of your life, the chances are you will stay interested and engaged in life, there's something to do tomorrow and you keep going. If you start saying,'oh! I'm old!' And you start reading novels and playing golf or playing chess, well, you're on the way down." (Source: Channelnewsasia)

Ultimately, it's the individual worker's choice

Well, I am for options. Employers should offer older workers the option of early retirement at 55, or continue working till 60. I recall in the 1990s (or was it 1980s?) teachers were given an option to retire at 45 (for women) and 50 (for men). 

Not all retirees want to work till they drop dead. They may want to opt out and have more time for the family, and more time to smell the roses. We should let the individual worker decide. It's his life after all.

A REST AND RECREATION CENTRE FOR OUR AGED PARENTS

From plan to bricks, from vision to reality

The elderly in Kuala Lumpur now have a place to go to to learn new skills and  make new friends. The AUTORR Foundation Centre finally opened its doors last Sunday 2 December 2012, almost eight years after the ground-breaking ceremony in January 2005.

AUTORR Foundation founder, Lin Chia

The centre sits on a 4-acre piece of land donated by Lin Chua, grand-daughter of Yap Kwan Seng, the last Kapitan Cina of Kuala Lumpur. For Lin, it all started with the search for a place where her elderly mother could spend her time gainfully in the company of her peers instead of being alone at home the whole day. Frustrated at not finding such a place, Lin realized that there was an urgent need to build one. Thus the seed for the AUTORR Foundation Centre was planted.

The opening ceremony was graced by the presence of past Golden Awardees who were honoured by the AUTORR Foundation for their contributions to society. (From left:) Datuk Lum Kin Tuck, Puan Sri Christine Khir Johari, Datin Paduka Mother Mangalam, Tan Sri Emeritus Prof Datuk Dr Augustine Ong, Tan Sri Dato Seri Dr Mahadevan, Tan Sri Datuk Seri Lee Lam Thye, Ms Lin Chia, Dato Dr Low Bin Tick and Mr Liew Fook Choy. 

Lin set up the AUTORR Foundation and donated four acres of land in Ampang to build the centre. Over the years, various events were carried out to raise funds for the project. When news spread about the construction of a centre for senior citizens, the public responded generously. They were touched by the vision of this remarkable woman who selflessly sacrificed so much of her time and energy to building this haven for the aged.

If you have elderly parents and are looking for a place where they can enjoy the company of like-minded senior citizens, the AUTORR centre is the ideal choice. They will love the tranquility of the surroundings as the centre is nestled among hills in the outskirts of Ampang. Every care and thought has been put into the design of the centre with the comfort, safety and convenience of senior citizens uppermost in mind.

For those interested in checking out the centre, please refer to the map and address. Do call up first if you want a guided tour. Contact number: 03 - 4295 2261. Membership is now open at the promotional rate of RM600 a month. This covers two tea breaks, a vegetarian lunch, as well as classes. Opening hours are from 9.00am to 4.30pm, from Monday to Friday. Transport will be provided to and from Ampang Starline Station.

Here's a virtual tour of the centre.


If you would like to make a contribution to the AUTORR Foundation, please click here. All donations are tax-exempted.

LONELY AND DESPERATE? YOU ARE EASY PREY FOR CYBER ROMEOS

Here we go again. Some women (and men) never seem to learn. No matter how many times they have been warned about it, they still turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. I am referring to the recent spate of articles in the media about online scams targeting these gullible souls.

What sort of women make easy victims of these unscrupulous Romeos who hide their identity behind the anonymity that the internet offers? The first word that comes to mind - LONELY. But then again I know of women who are lonely but they know better than to be suckers for scams. What they are not is DESPERATE.

Cover story in The Star 4 Dec

When a woman is desperate, she makes herself vulnerable to anyone who shows even a tiny speck of interest in her. She laps up all the flattery that is showered on her. She is so desperate for attention and love that she throws caution to the wind and grabs at what she believes could be her last chance for happiness.

Why this desperate? Because she knows the clock is ticking against her. Because she has left behind too many broken relationships and desperately want this one to work. Because she has such low self-esteem that she wants to believe any compliment paid to her. There must be scores of reasons why such women willingly part with their life savings, their jewelry, their property to men they barely know.

When a woman is this desperate, she goes online to look for friends. Facebook makes it so easy to connect with people. I get messages daily from guys wanting to know me better. I have not replied to a single one of them. I am not that desperate, nor will I ever be. I have too much going on in my life to fret over my single-hood.

To all those who are lonely for companionship, find an outlet for your loneliness. Volunteer for community service, join a social network group that you can trust, sign up for a course where you meet like-minded people of your age.

In Singapore, the large number of single women became such a matter of concern to the government that in 1984, it set up the Social Network Unit under the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports to promote opportunities for singles to meet and hopefully find a life partner. In 2006 the unit was renamed Social Network Development (SDN). The matchmaking and dating services were outsourced to the private sector.

Love Gifts vouchers offered by dating agencies accredited by the Social Development Network (SDN).

All dating agencies in Singapore must be accredited by the SDN Trust Accreditation.  How successful is SDN in meeting its objectives? Statistics are not available, but one thing is certain - you won't find unsavory Romeos and Valentinos lurking behind pseudonyms to prey on women with lonely hearts. Not when Big Brother is keeping a watchful eye on everyone and everything that is going on.

Perhaps Seniorsaloud should start organizing social networking events to foster new friendships among our community members. I know there are singles out there as well as widows and widowers looking not so much for (re)marriage, but for companionship.

Drop me a line at seniorsaloud@gmail.com if you would be interested in attending a networking luncheon for the 50plus. If we have enough response, we might just organize one to celebrate the coming festive season.

YOUR FUTURE RETIREMENT HOME MIGHT LOOK LIKE THIS

A typical Granny Pod. There are variations, of course. (Source: The Times)

With the world population rapidly ageing, and with baby boomers demanding better options for housing when they retire, innovative ideas for elder housing have sprung up in the USA and elsewhere.

One such housing option is the Medcottage or more popularly referred to as the 'Granny Pod'. Here's how the idea first began...



Now for a look inside the granny pod.



The concept of Granny pods is really not that revolutionary. I recall back in the 1980s, one of my many cousins had a self-contained annex built in his backyard for his elderly parents. It had a bedroom, a sitting room, bath and toilet, and a small kitchen. Electricity, water and phone line were linked to the main house. My cousin's live-in maid did all the cooking and family meals were served in the main house. His parents helped babysit the children when he and his wife were at work. It was the perfect solution to parent-care and childcare.

From PALS website

Of course, this situation worked as long as his parents remained active and independent. But when they got on in years, and required assistance with daily living, they had to move into the main house.

The major difference between a granny pod and my cousin's backyard annex for his elderly parents is that the former is portable, and apparently can be set up in four days! Think of it as a giant container that you could lift with a crane and move to wherever you want to place it.

Will granny pods take off? What do you think?

Related article:

GRANNY PODS: THE FUTURE OF ELDERLY LIVING?

WHEN PARENTS GIVE AWAY THEIR MONEY TOO EARLY

(Several friends have forwarded this article to me in the past week. I take it they want me to share it here on the blog. In the article, first published in the Philippine Star, an online network for the global Filipino community, Letty Jacinto-Lopez offers advice that I think parents with adult children should pay heed to. I have taken the liberty of adding some images.)

At their 54th anniversary, my friends made a decision to distribute their combined assets among their living heirs. Their rationale, “Para walang gulo.” (To avoid trouble). They added one proviso: “While still alive, income from these properties will be used to maintain our present lifestyle inclusive of medical expenses, extravagant trips and unlimited shopping.”

 “That’s easy,” replied the heirs. The income was substantial to indulge the old folks with a bonus that the heirs can use in any manner they wanted.

The first year passed without a hitch, but soon the problem surfaced. Each child used all kinds of tactics to keep the money from his parents. It reached a point where the poor retirees had to beg for sustenance, robbing them of the dignity they worked hard to uphold.

What went wrong?

 “Bad decision,” said a cautious friend who warned the couple of this scenario. “Children are so unreliable when it comes to inherited money.”

Money received, which was not expected and not a direct result of something they worked for, is not given the same value as money earned with their own sweat and tears. They lose their sense of propriety; gratitude is tainted by greed and decency gone. This is compounded by in-laws who can tilt or convince their respective spouses to throw out good sense and filial affection like soiled rugs, “Honey, they’re going to die anyway, so why waste good money on them?”

To avoid falling into this vulnerable, pitiful state, keep these 10 tips in mind:

1. Do not retire. If you’re over-aged, retire and get all the benefits but find another income-generating job or open a business that will keep you active physically and mentally. Travel and bond with true friends, play a sport, learn a new hobby and volunteer in your community or parish. Don’t loaf around. Your spouse will hate you because you’ve become a sloppy, listless bum with nothing good to say about the household and things that you never bothered about before. Solve crossword puzzles, play Scrabble, write your memoirs, and above all, read — this will keep you alert and keep Alzheimer’s at bay.

2. Live in your own place to enjoy independence, privacy and a solo life. If you move in with your children, your rank or degree of importance is reduced to that of a bed spacer who has no place of honor or, worse, like crumbling furniture merely displayed with no added value. Might you kowtow to conform to their own rules that are not kind, considerate or mindful of you? If you witness your children engaged in a war of will and wits with your grandchildren, whom will you side with? Will they even appreciate your arbitration? Remind your children that silence is not a sign of weakness; you are merely processing data that is taking longer to complete.

3. Hold on to your nest egg, bank deposits and assets. If you want to help your children, do give, but not to the extent that you wipe out your life’s earnings, singing heroically “not a shirt on my back nor a penny to my name.” Staying solvent and in the black is a good hedge against all kinds of tempests. You will sleep better, you will not be afraid to express your opinion and you will be confident about yourself.

4. Don’t believe your children’s promise to care for you when you grow old. Priorities change. Many children are not guilt-ridden or filled with a sense of moral obligation when the wife and offspring take top billing in their lives. There are still children who would consider it a privilege to show compassion, genuine love and deep concern for their parents but be warned that not all children think alike.

An inter-generational percussion session

5. Expand your circle of friends to include young ones who will definitely outlive your old BFFs. Keep up with new inventions, trends, music and lifestyle including all the scams and schemes you should guard against. Remember that when you mix with the young, you also open a fresh avenue to channel your thoughts, experiences and values through so that the lessons you learned are not lost, forgotten or buried with you.

6. Be well groomed and smelling fresh of spring water all the time. There’s nothing more depressing than seeing people exhale when you walk by because you reek of baul (camphor chest) or lupa (dirt). Old age or bust, don’t look and smell like a corpse when you’re not one yet.

7. Do not meddle in the life of your children. If they ask for your counsel, give it, but be ready to accept that they may not take it. Their situations in life cannot be compared to the situations that you experienced in your life. The playing field has changed and they need to develop their own set of survival skills. If you raised them to be street smart, they can handle themselves in tough situations and be able to read people.  Champion and encourage their dreams and desires but on their own terms.

8. Do not use old age as your shield and justification for turning grumpy. There’s nothing more annoying than an arrogant, old fool.  Welcome each day as another chance to be kind and forgiving, to yourself and to others.

9. Listen to what others may say. Do not throw your weight around just because you are a septuagenarian or a nonagenarian. You are not a depository of knowledge. Even if the roles have been reversed, make growing old a fun-filled, pleasant experience for you and your brood.

10. Pray always and focus on your eternal life. You will definitely leave everything behind, a final journey detached from burden and care. Be more accepting that, sooner, not later, you will croak. Prepare your swan song with a humble and contrite heart. If you believe in a merciful and loving God, there is no need to strut like a star. Nobody is.

Here are more articles on the same topic if you are interested. Click on the links to read.

DO'S AND DON'TS FOR RETIREMENT

A PEACOCK TODAY, A FEATHER-DUSTER TOMORROW