THE POWER OF COMMUNITY IN OUR AGEING SOCIETY

 

There's a poignant adage that while one mother can care for ten children, ten children often struggle to care for one mother.

Personally, I feel we can no longer bring this up each time there is a discussion about elderly neglect, abuse or abandonment. In the first place, it is becoming a rarity these days to find a family with more than five children. The demographics show a steady decline in the fertility rate. It currently stands at 1.9, down from a high of 2.9 in 2000. The average of one or two children is becoming the norm now for young couples.

Furthermore, children will eventually leave the family home to further their studies or seek employment elsewhere either locally or abroad. The end outcome is the rise in the number of empty nesters. An estimated 10% of our senior citizens live alone. This trend is continuing. Smaller family size means fewer siblings to share the financial, physical and filial responsibility of taking care of their elderly parents.

Not all children will support their parents in their old age. Some can afford to, but choose not to because of long-standing family friction. Many have their own financial commitments to grapple with and a young family to raise. Whatever the case or circumstances, the fact is elderly parents have to fend for themselves.

If they have sufficient savings to see them through the retirement years, well and good. But with advancing age comes a host of health issues, especially non-communicable diseases like diabetes, cancer, stroke that require long term care. The situation is further compounded by soaring medical costs and insufficient or no medical insurance coverage.

Living long, living well

Unless we enjoy good health in our golden years, we’d rather not live to “a ripe old age” if our days are filled with pain and total dependence on others. That’s why we often hear the elderly say it’s better to die than to have no quality of life and be a burden to others.

With longevity, it is not uncommon to find an elderly couple looking after each other in their twilight years. One frail elderly caring for another who is just as frail or worse. Longer life expectancy also means having two sandwich generations – adult children in their 40s looking after their parents in their 70s. And retirees in their 70s looking after their parents in their 90s!

If we factor in the elderly in-laws, that’s a total of at least eight elderly members from both sides and two young children to be responsible for. That’s enough to make young people think thrice about marriage and raising a family.

Reflect on that, and perhaps we can understand why the government is hesitant about introducing a Maintenance of Elderly Parents Act. It has been brought up now and again during the past 20 years or so. But till today, nothing concrete has materialised as far as the Act is concerned. The government is reluctant to hold adult children fully responsible for not taking care of their parents. They may want to but their financial situation may not allow them to do so.

When it comes to taking care of mum and dad, the role of the primary caregiver invariably falls on the daughters, more often than not, on the unmarried daughter. She becomes the obvious sole or primary caregiver. It is a 24-hour responsibility. She does not get any respite, any relief unlike professional staff or relief workers in aged care facilities. They get to enjoy shift work, and go home when the work day is done. They get to destress and recharge for the next day.

It helps if the sole caregiver is able to take a break. That is why we encourage everyone to have a small inner circle of close friends, that can drop by on a regular basis to chat, play a game of mahjong or bridge or have a cookout. Buddies will do that for one another. Looking after an elderly person for a sole caregiver can be lonely and depressing, more so if the elderly person has health issues, is cranky and requires assistance with daily activities. Caregivers need a break from the demanding routine of care duties to avoid burnout.

The columnist (second from left) took part in the recent Care Summit at KLCC which brought focus not only on eldercare, but also care for special needs children. — LILY FU

Available, accessible, affordable

Aged care facilities, daycare centres andhome care services are available but not easily accessible or affordable to every family with an elderly member that requires looking after. Eldercare must meet these criteria: Availability, accessibility, affordability.

All three can be found where we live. It is time for residents’ committees together with the property management team to step up and work together, to go beyond just overseeing the place and collecting maintenance fees.

It’s time to promote the community spirit of neighbours helping neighbours by organising activities to encourage interaction, cooperation, and build trust among residents so that they can reach out and offer assistance whenever a call goes out for help. This can be easily done via a residents’ WhatsApp group to connect a resident looking for a daycare companion for her elderly mother, and a resident who can provide that service. Housewives and retirees make excellent companions for the housebound elderly.

This arrangement can be done on a voluntary basis or for a fee. For the daughter who has full-time job, it means welcome relief to know her mother is safe at home in the company of a neighbour whom she knows and trusts.

Another proposal is to have eldercare services at the work place. Childcare facilities are already available at certain workplaces. This service can be extended to include eldercare. Adult children can leave their parent there rather than leave them alone at home. In fact, retired older persons who are still fit and mobile can be a great help at these facilities either as volunteers or staff members. We have seen in our own families how grandparents and grandchildren enjoy a special bond.

As for the sole caregiver, it is of paramount importance that she has access to outlets and opportunities to destress. A stressed-out caregiver will not only suffer physical and mental health issues, but may inflict physical and psychological abuse on the care recipient. A burnout carer will do more harm than good.

She can join a caregivers’ support group, for example the Alzheimer’s Disease Foundation Malaysia (ADFM), and participate in the activities. She gets to meet other caregivers, share their stories and support one another. Siblings can take turns to do shift duty and look after their elderly parent. It’s a whole-family hands-on approach to caregiving. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Hence the need for out-of-the box ideas that may or may not work, but are worth a try.

The Selangor state government should be commended for taking the lead in organising the Care Summit from Oct 9 to 11 at KLCC. It brought focus not only on eldercare, but also on caring for OKU and special needs children. Equally welcomed is the emphasis on caregivers, to seek solutions to support them in their caregiving role.

The researchers have done their work in collecting and ­sharing data, the conference speakers have raised awareness through their talks and the ministry representatives have given their feedback to the policy-makers. Let’s hope it doesn’t stop there. The proposals raised should not languish at the various ministries gathering dust before they finally see the light of day, if at all.

All of us have parents. All of us will grow old one day. We can’t wait for something drastic to happen before we take corrective action. If bureaucratic red tape is unavoidable, let us take the initiative to introduce some of these proposals to our communities, and volunteer to get them implemented. It’s time to act.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The online article is accessible at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/10/22/the-power-of-community-in-our-ageing-society)

Happy Merdeka, Malaysia Day ... but where are the seniors?

Seventeen days of national celebrations from Aug 31 to Sept 16, including four straight days of holiday for those working, and one week school break. No wonder this year’s Hari Merdeka and Hari Malaysia celebrations were the grandest ever and hard to beat.

Malaysians came out in the tens of thousands at wee hours of the morning to claim the best spots for viewing the parade. And what a spectacular parade it was! A magnificent display of our nation’s progress at Dataran Putrajaya.

A well-deserved round of applause to the organising committee and special mention must be made of the instructors behind the excellent co-ordination of the 2000 “human graphics”. Two thumbs up to all the parade participants. They must have put in countless hours of practice, sacrificed time and sleep to ensure a spectacular parade for all to enjoy. Kudos to all of them.

The parade was truly an impressive showcase of how far Malaysia has come since it achieved independence in 1957. Whether at Dataran Putrajaya or at home viewing the live broadcast on TV, Malaysians watched the parade with pride. The thousands of uniformed men and women smartly marching in step, the dancers in their colourful ethnic costumes, the marching bands, bagpipes included, the show of military might and weaponry from the various armed forces, and the breathtaking aerial formation from the fighter jets. What a show! The corporate sector and GLCs were part of the procession as well.

Yes, Malaysia has certainly come a long way since independence.

However, one group was completely left out from the parade at Dataran Putrajaya. Perhaps it’s only seniors like me who noticed it?

Our warga emas was nowhere to be seen in the parade. Yes, they were there but only as bystanders. Oh, pardon me, I forgot there is now a new term for seniors – warga berusia or “the elderly”.

Probably more appropriate given how the golden retirement years have lost much of the glitter.

A letdown for seniors

The exclusion was a huge disappointment for me. Was there a good reason for it? The very generation that had contributed the best years of their lives, that worked hard to help build the fledgling nation from its birth. They were not acknowledged in the Independence Day Parade!

The young men and women of the 1950s and 1960s – the teachers, doctors, engineers, railroad workers, tin miners, rubber tappers, farmers, clerks, shopkeepers. They had put their shoulders to the plough to build the nation. This post-WW2 generation are now in their late 70s and 80s. Their years of contribution to nation-building should never be forgotten.

They had toiled together regardless of race and religion to build a future for their children in the newly independent country. It was a time of true harmony in diversity in the towns and villages. There was no need for slogans to remind them that they were all satu keluarga, satu negara (one family, one nation). Just ask the neneks and datuks.

So how is it that there was no visible participation of senior citizens in the Merdeka Day parade at Dataran Putrajaya?

Was it an honest omission, an oversight? Perhaps the organisers were not aware of the existence of NGOs for senior citizens, such as the National Council of Senior Citizens Organisations Malaysia (NACSCOM), Pusat Aktiviti Warga Emas (PAWE) and University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia, to name a few.

These groups could have participated in the parade. Perhaps the organisers felt senior citizens were too frail and weak to participate in a parade that would require long hours of rehearsal?

If the hunky men from the Fire Department units could participate riding on their fire engines, the elderly representatives from the NGOs could have done the same. No need to march or walk.

Children from primary schools were part of the procession, so were cats, dogs and horses. But senior citizens? No sign of them among the 14,000 that took part in the parade.

There were contingents from the various ministries including Defence, Communications, Housing and Sports, all proud to be part of the parade. I could be wrong but I didn’t see any representation from the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry. Yet another exclusion.

It would have been easy enough to have a decorated float carrying some OKU, senior citizens, mothers and children, all smiling their brightest, and waving to the crowds at Dataran Putrajaya.

Likewise, at the gala concert following the official launch of the five-day Pesta Budaya Malaysia by PM Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim at Taman Titiwangsa. Well done to the organising team.

It was a monumental undertaking to put together a concert of this magnitude to showcase the rich cultural diversity of Malaysia. Each performance segued seamlessly to the next without a nanosecond pause or technical hitch.

The audience was treated to a scintillating smorgasbord of dance, song and fashion. There was something for everyone to enjoy and applaud. Malaysia, Truly Asia.

Youth culture was not forgotten. More than a dozen teenagers in street fashion came on stage and awed everyone with their hip hop and breakdance moves. Its not exactly Malaysian culture but probably to show that our culture is age-inclusive. Is it, really?

Where were our veteran singers, dancers and musicians? Their heydays may be gone, but they can still perform and entertain. Veteran singers like Datuk Khadijah Ibrahim, Datuk Sheila Majid, Datuk DJ Dave, Datuk Zainal Abidin should have been invited.

It is unfortunate that senior citizens are often lumped into a single broad category of those aged 60 and above. And that could mean up to 100 years old. But there are huge differences between the young-old (60 to 75) and the old-old (90 and above).

It would be most helpful if policy-makers be familiar with the different needs and abilities of each senior age group. We should not view all senior citizens as ‘too old’ to be employed. The young-old in their 60s and 70s are still economically productive, still able to contribute to nation-building. Their vast experience should be tapped.

My point in mentioning these examples is this – if we exclude our seniors in major national events and continue to sideline them, we are perpetuating the negative perception of seniors as too frail, too senile to play an active role in the public sphere. No wonder ageism still exists in our society!

Such archaic views explain why seniors are not taken seriously. Their voice is often not heard, even though their numbers are growing.

Don’t write off the young-old, especially those in their 60s and 70s. They are still economically productive and with their vast working experience, they are a potential source of manpower.

Unity in diversity should include diversity in age. Any national-level celebration, whether in a parade, a TV promo, or a print ad should also feature senior citizens and not only children and young adults. Be inclusive.

We have a fast-growing ageing population that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated in ways other than in aged care.

Let’s not sideline our warga berusia. Involve them. They are part of the Malaysian family too.

Is that too much to ask?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition on Wed 24 Sept  at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/09/28/happy-merdeka-malaysia-day--but-where-are-the-seniors)

Reflections on Merdeka: Past and Present

The countdown to Merdeka Day has begun. Each year come August, patriotic Malaysians bring out the national flag from the cupboard and display it outside their homes. The whole country is decked out in the red, white and blue of the Jalur Gemilang.

The airwaves are filled with theme songs from past National Day celebrations. This year’s theme song, Malaysia Madani (Rakyat Disantuni), is fast gaining popularity. Of all the patriotic songs, Sejahtera Malaysia remains a firm favourite. We know the lyrics so well. We sing about the peace, harmony and prosperity of Malaysia, about facing challenges together as one people. The song evokes pride in being citizens of Malaysia.

But do we mouth the words without fully understanding the meaning? Or do we sing with feeling and pride, rejoicing and feeling blessed that we are citizens of this beautiful country called Malaysia?

Which begs the question – is this show of patriotism exhibited only once a year? What about the other eleven months? Do we genuinely love our country and its people as depicted in all the Hari Merdeka commercials and adverts? Smiling happy children representing each ethnic group dressed in their traditional attire, waving mini flags.

Do they truly represent the happy people of Malaysia? Or is all this a facade? It depends on who you ask.

If you ask the baby boomers born before 1957, the year when our country gained independence from colonial rule, they will tell you they miss those carefree days of the 1960s which they often describe as a time of togetherness, with less emphasis on difference.

Then, it was our common identity that united the different ethnic groups.

Things feel different today. What’s changed?

Truly Malaysian

Whenever I am asked about my nationality, I have always answered Malaysian. If pressed further, I will say I am Chinese Malaysian, rather than Malaysian Chinese. There is a subtle but important difference between the two.

It depends on what you prioritise. Your answer is a subconscious revelation of whether you regard nationality or ethnicity as more important.

Let us look for things that unite us, rather than those that divide us. Food is a wonderful example. We get to enjoy an almost limitless variety of food from all the different ethnic groups.

Visit a food court for a meal. You will be spoilt for choice. We also enjoy a rich diverse culture of music, dance and language.

Sports is another unifying force. We root for our national teams and players at international sports and games. In badminton, when Malaysia plays against China, who do Chinese Malaysians root for? Malaysia, without hesitation.

Malaysia is a country blessed with natural beauty. There are scenic places like our idyllic islands and hill resorts that we can escape to for a break from the stress of work, and the hustle and bustle of urban life.

The tropical climate suits us just fine. Aside from the occasional floods, there are no natural disasters such as volcanic eruptions, typhoons and the like.

As for the people, Malaysians are friendly and helpful once you get to know them on a personal level, especially those in the rural areas. They open their homes to you and welcome you to visit them.

Indeed, Malaysians are known for their hospitality and warm smiles. We can see why tourists love to visit our country, and why many have made it their second home in their retirement years.

We are blessed to call Malaysia our home. For me, personally speaking, Malaysia is the only homeland I know. I was born here, bred here and one day will die here. Why do some politicians label Malaysians like me “pendatang” and tell us to go back to China? I have given more than 30 of my best years in service to the nation, teaching and nurturing thousands of young minds.

Even in my retirement, I continue to contribute in community service for the elderly, regardless of their race.

Malaysia, can I call myself a daughter of this land?

Unity in diversity

Yes, there are 1,001 things to love about Malaysia. Unfortunately, that love is sometimes overshadowed by individuals who style themselves as heroes but end up stoking division.

These are the loose cannons ever ready to shoot incendiary rhetoric from their mouths without a thought about the damage they are inflicting on our society, our people.

Diversity is very important to me. I make it a point to seek it in my friends, in my group activities and also in my studies. Learning is much richer when we share views and opinions, and appreciate that we can learn from one another.

It increases our knowledge, and sharpens our minds. It encourages critical thinking and analysing.

Diversity enriches our experiences, and enhances creativity and innovation.

Failing to recognise and cherish our diversity could lead to a rise in exclusivity, elitism and segregation in our schools and universities, in our workplace and in our social circles.

We could learn from other countries that have done well in governance in this respect. A refusal to learn and improve, to admit mistakes and failure is hubris of the highest degree that borders on stupidity when it impedes progress.

We must realise that it is dangerous to blame isolated incidents on a whole race of people. When we taint everyone with the same brush, we are holding them guilty by virtue of a common denominator, which is often race or religion.

This is more harmful than casual stereotyping and can strain community relations. We have some examples of this in our history. But many have short-term memory, or choose to forget what doesn’t serve their purpose.

So far, we have been fortunate that the majority of Malaysians do not allow negative emotions to rule their heads.

Let’s pray that our good sense will continue even as there are some who stoke communal tension with their outrageous accusations.

I will fly the Malaysian flag from my balcony as I am the eternal optimist. We need to have hope, for without it, the future is bleak.

We hope for a cabinet that leads with competence and humility, engaging in constructive dialogue instead of unproductive debate. With such leadership, Malaysia can again flourish in peace and harmony.

Happy Merdeka!

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of the Star on 27 August 2025. It can be accessed HERE).

Is it time for Malaysia to introduce a Maintenance of Parents Act?

 

My previous article on family feuds and the breakdown of family relationships drew strong reactions from people I know and those I don’t know, from across the generations. I had obviously touched on a sensitive nerve that few want to acknowledge or do something about: The parents-children relationship. The general response was along the lines of, “It’s not that easy to forgive”; “They have never treated me well”; “I am happy to disown him”.

Which leads me to asking, “Is filial piety dead?”, or has it evolved into what we see today – a different way of how adult children express care and concern for their ageing parents, not very different from how they shower their young children with gifts and trips? How do elderly parents want their children to love, honour and respect them?

In the traditional family unit where generations lived under one roof, there was always someone around to look after the little children, and care for the elderly members. But this structure is fast disappearing, resulting in a kind of family diaspora, with the adult children moving out to seek better career prospects in other places.

Elderly parents are left on their own in an empty nest. Eventually one spouse passes away, and that’s when the big question comes up. What to do with the surviving ageing parent?

The duty of adult children to care for their elderly parents is a core value in all religions. Filial piety extends beyond death with the practice of ancestral worship. Today both virtues are on the decline. The Chinese government had to step in with threats of public shame, fines and imprisonment for those found guilty of neglecting their elderly parents. Isn’t there a better way than threats of punishment?

It’s no different across Asia. In India, the government passed the Senior Citizen Act, 2007, as an answer to the insecurities faced by older persons in the country. This law accords prime responsibility for the maintenance of parents on their children, grandchildren and even relatives.

In Singapore, the Maintenance of Parents Act (MPA) was introduced in 1995, making it a legal obligation for children to support their parents. Initially the Tribunal for MPA received hundreds of cases each year. After several amendments were introduced, the average of 170 cases between 2008 and 2010 fell to an average of about 30 cases in recent years.

This is a good sign that the MPA is effective as a deterrent to abandoning one’s elderly parents. Which begs the question – why is our government so hesitant about introducing a similar MPA? We cannot ignore the rising number of elderly parents ending up in old folks’ homes and shelters funded the government or by the community. More than 2,000 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals nationwide from 2018 to 2022.

In 2021 alone, 752 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals by their family members. In Malaysia, adult children are not legally bound to provide care and maintenance for their elderly parents. There are a myriad of reasons why an increasing number of adult children don’t or won’t take care of their frail parents.

These include:

• No extra room at home for their parents;

• No one is free to care for them at home;

• Their children come first, not their parents;

• They can’t afford to support their parents;

• Their parents are not easy to live with;

• Their parents had abused them

Looking at the situation from the adult children’s standpoint, there are genuine cases where the adult children themselves are caught in a financial bind, having to support their own children and care for their parents at the same time. Their financial situation forces them to choose. Invariably most couples in such situations would choose the young over the old.

Makes sense. One has a whole life ahead; the other has a limited time left. So, the elderly parent finds himself packed off to a welfare home. Says an operator of a care home, “We understand and empathise with the situation. But do visit them regularly so they don’t feel abandoned.

“What is not forgivable are adult children who are doing well financially, yet refuse to support or visit their parents. Eventually, when contact with the adult children is lost, there is no hope of a reconciliation.”

These adult children obviously do not have a close relationship with their parents. Possible reasons could include cases of child abuse, whether physical, emotional or sexual. We have read about such cases where parents abandon or abuse their young children. Years later, these children recall bitter memories of their abusive childhood. They now find it virtually impossible to forgive their parents and want to sever blood ties with them.

There are also cases where adult children refuse to continue supporting their parents who are addicted to drugs or to gambling and incur hefty debts for their children to take care of.

All these issues could potentially be resolved with the Maintenance of Parents Act, with a Tribunal to oversee the implementation and listen to every case brought to them.

The Tribunal would have legal powers to check the financial status of the adult son to see if he has the means to provide for his parent. If he has, the Tribunal can order him to pay for his parent’s monthly maintenance.

The Tribunal’s foremost role is to seek reconciliation for both parties, and to propose the best solution. The quantum of maintenance support will depend on what the adult children can afford taking into consideration their financial position and commitments. This is similar to the court granting alimony for child support in a divorce case.

So, why is there this hesitation in introducing the Maintenance of Parents Act? Not all cases brought before it guarantees a win for the parents.

In cases where the adult children can prove they were abused by their parent in their childhood, the Tribunal can dismiss the parent’s application for maintenance.

With an MPA, elderly parents who can no longer fend for themselves can have at least recourse to appeal to the Tribunal. Most parents would not want to be a burden to their children. They would rather eat less, make do with bare minimum than compel their children to care for them in their old age if the children are themselves struggling. Or if the financial support is grudgingly given.

It takes very little to make our parents feel loved and happy. A phone call to ask how they are doing, a small gift of their favourite snacks, spending quality time with them, a warm hug now and then – all these don’t cost much, but the joy they bring to our parents is priceless.

As parents ourselves, we need to ask ourselves whether we are good role models for our adult children. If our adult children and grandchildren seem lacking in respect for their elders, are we as much to blame? Have we pampered and mollycoddled them too much? Have we allowed them to get away with indiscipline and disrespect to their parents and grandparents? The home is the first place for learning, and parents are the children’s first teachers.

How we treat our elderly parents is how our children will treat us one day in our old age. They will learn from us.

What examples are we giving them? No matter how badly our parents may have treated us in the past, we can’t stand by and do nothing for them in their time of need. This is not a game of tit-for-tat or revenge. Their blood runs in our veins.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 30 July 2025. The online edition can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/08/02/is-it-time-for-malaysia-to-introduce-a-maintenance-of-parents-act)

RESOLVING FAMILY FEUDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

Two months ago, I wrote about what constitutes a good death. It is knowing that everything has been taken care of, with friends and loved ones in the family gathered around the bedside for the final farewell.

But of late, I have attended funerals where the next-of-kin is not present. Reason? A long-standing family feud with both sides refusing to make amends.

When one side is willing to forgive and move on, but the other side remains adamant, the family conflict remains unresolved. It takes two to come together, to forgive and to move on.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. But it is arguably the most important and the most challenging to attain.

What presents as a loving family at festivals and celebrations may actually mask internal strife and disharmony. Family portraits often hide the family conflicts behind the smiles that we see.

At one’s final hours, it doesn’t matter who is wrong, who is right. Usually, it is the children who refuse to forgive.

“He was not a good father,” one adult son tells me. This is not the time to carry grudges. And certainly, for the elderly, they want to make peace before they die. As long as one side refuses to forgive, the bitterness will continue, and later turn into regret when the children realise it is too late to make amends.

This is often the main explanation for the rise in the number of abandoned elderly in hospitals, nursing homes and aged care centers. Nationwide, 2,144 cases of abandonment in hospitals were reported between 2018 and 2022. Hospital KL reported a 50% rise in cases of abandonment of elderly patients, with 358 such cases in 2023. Adult children never returned for their parents when they were discharged. These parents, with nowhere to go, ended up in welfare homes, or worse, on the streets.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. — Pexels

Safeguarding seniors

I spent three months interviewing and chatting with homeless elderly for a documentary. Their favourite gathering point in the city was at the square near Pasar Seni. There they would wait patiently for the distribution of free food packages by NGOs and civic society groups. The stories they shared were similar – they were abandoned by their children. They had lost contact with their family over the years.

Some said they were better off on the streets than with their children who had mistreated them.

Elder abuse is not only financial or physical. It also covers psychological abuse which is most hurtful and painful. Being belittled and scolded daily, and treated like a persona non grata at home is enough to drive an elderly parent to depression and suicidal tendencies, egged on by their children’s taunts of ‘better go and die quickly’.

This goes beyond lack of filial piety – it is cruel, and a violation of human rights. It’s hard to imagine elderly parents facing such inhumane treatment from their children. Family ties should never be broken. Physical distance should not be an excuse to stay away. With digital technology, families can continue to meet up via whatsapp, video calls or Zoom.

When contact is lost for whatever reason, an elderly parent living alone can pass away with no one knowing about it till days or weeks later. The Japanese call this Kodokushi or “lonely death”, with their bodies not discovered till long after. Such cases have been reported in the media.

Bitterness and revenge are like toxins. Harbouring such negative emotions for years will poison our body, our minds like a cancer. They deprive us of the joy of living and being part of a loving family.

We may not be able to forget what we see as an injustice done to us, but we can certainly learn to forgive. No action or incident is so unforgivable that would make a father disown his son, or vice versa. Here are some things elderly parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

• Be a responsible, caring parent so that your children have no reason to turn against you

Family relationships also include those between husband and wife, among siblings and with in-laws. A breakdown in spousal relationship can deteriorate to the point of a total loss of communication, with reconciliation almost impossible. When that happens, only two options remain – either a divorce or separation.

It can happen – two persons who had once loved each other and had children together now no longer share that bond. They now exhibit animosity towards each other. Yet they refuse to get a divorce to avoid legal hassles and scandal of a failed marriage or of a third party involved. They would rather spend years living under the same roof, keeping up false pretense with friends and relatives. They would rather suffer unhappiness at home than admit their marriage had failed. What a sheer waste of years spent living together in a loveless relationship.

Living in peace

Times have changed. Most women in an unhappy marriage have no qualms about seeking a divorce. The same for men too. Few among family and friends would raise an eyebrow to hear of a marriage gone bust, or of a family member getting married the second time around.

As for sibling disputes, these often arise out of rivalry, jealousy or issues over inheritance. When parents show clear favouritism for one child, it can cause resentment from the other children. This can widen into a gap that is hard to bridge in later years. Blood is not always thicker than water, and sibling rivalry can end in acrimonious law suits pitting sibling against sibling.

It’s the same with in-laws who cause friction between the two sides of the family. Marriages of couples from different ethnic, religious or social-economic background have a better chance of success if they have the blessings from both sides of the family. It is best for in-laws not to interfere or take sides when the couple has an argument, unless approached for advice or counsel.

No one can predict the future. Will we fall victim to elder abuse as we age? Not if we guard against this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children with love and inculcate in them respect for our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

We can learn to be slow to take offence, slow to judge others, slow to react without thinking. Words may hurt, actions may cause friction, but if we can adopt the Zen way of letting go anything that upsets us and learn to apologise if we are in the wrong, to forgive if we are wronged, we can live life at peace with ourselves and with everyone in the family. That certainly is worth aiming for, isn’t it?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star in 'Grey Matters' column on Wed 2 July 2025. It can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/07/02/resolving-family-feuds-before-it039s-too-late?

IS THERE A RIGHT RETIREMENT AGE?

Here we go again. Yet another round of viewpoints regarding increasing the retirement age. This came after Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department (Law and Institutional Reform) Datuk Seri Azalina Othman Said suggested that the government consider raising the retirement age to 65.

It was her personal opinion but it opened the flood gates of debate from the public on whether this was a good or bad idea.

My view on this? Neither good nor bad, but unavoidable, inevitable.

The number of countries opting to raise their retirement age is growing. In the majority of countries in Europe, the retirement age is 65 and above, with Denmark and Norway leading at 67.

What about Asia? Singapore is following suit. It plans to raise the statutory retirement age from 63 to 65 and the re-employment age from 68 to 70 in 2026. For Japan, it’s 65. For Korea, India, Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, it’s 60 but it will likely be raised in the coming years. China is also joining the lineup.

For decades since 1950, the retirement age in China has remained at 50. It recently raised retirement age for the first time from 50 to 55 for women in blue-collar jobs, and from 55 to 58 for those in white-collar jobs. For men it will be increased from 60 to 63.

Two sides of the coin

The main argument against increasing the retirement age is that it deprives young job seekers of employment.

While this may be true to a certain extent, it’s primarily technology and mechanisation, not older workers, that is taking away jobs. Let’s not forget AI. It is already replacing workers in white-collar jobs. All this has nothing to do with the retirement age.

Based on DOSM figures, the unemployment rate stands at 3.1% for May 2025. The government is committed to ensuring unemployment is kept low. It does this by taking on the role as employer of last resort.

Malaysia has the largest civil service in the world in terms of ratio of civil service workforce to population: Over 1.6 million-strong to serve its 34.1 million population. The government will not be able to continue paying pension to an ever-growing number of pensioners. Currently there are an estimated 930,000 pensioners from the civil service, judges, former servicemen and senators.

The government is finding it a huge challenge to keep up with pension payments despite raising the retirement age from 55 to 60 in 2013. Hence the moveaway from pensions to EPF contributions.

The family structure has changed so drastically that parents can no longer expect their adult children to support them in their old age. Family size has shrunk, and with the grown children moving out to work or settle elsewhere, retired couples are often left to fend for themselves.

It’s a good idea to sit down at the family table and have a heart-to-heart discussion about the future scenario for the family 20 years down the road. What would it look like?

Here’s a very likely scenario: The adult children are now in their late 30s. Their parents are retirees in their early 60s, and their grandparents are in their early 80s. The adult children have to see their teenage children through further education, and still have to support their retired parents as well as their elderly grandparents.

Three-four generation families are becoming common. The longer life expectancy is both a boon and a bane. What this means is that the adult children have to support their parents as well as grandparents. Multiply that by two.

They mustn’t leave out parents-in-laws and grandparents-in-law. In total, the couple has to support eight older persons on top of supporting their own children! To top it, they have fewer siblings to share the cost of caring for the elderly family members.

This is already happening in many families now. It’s not a future reality. Our fertility rate is declining, as in most countries. Young people are delaying marriage.

When they do, they delay starting a family. When they are finally ready to have children, they want only one or two. The result – fewer siblings to share the heavy financial responsibility of supporting six to eight elderly family members.

Faced with such a reality, perhaps those in the 30s and 40s will not protest against increasing the retirement age.

Their parents will be able to work longer and be self-supporting. With their salary, they will be able to contribute financially towards supporting the family members, both young and old.

Thanks to better education and awareness of staying active and healthy, a growing number of those in their 60s, (and even 70s) are still hale and hearty. They are capable of working another five years or more. Give them the option to do so. Some may want to retire, let them. Some may need to continue working as their adult children are unable to support them, or they may need to help their adult children who are unable to find a job, or keep up with their financial commitments.

Stop gap solution

This is a temporary stop gap solution. No one wants to work indefinitely. Who doesn’t want to enjoy freedom from work, to have time to pursue their personal interests and not be at the beck and call of their boss.

What it comes down to is that family life and work life as we know it have changed drastically. This has impacted every aspect of our existence. We have to adjust, adapt and accept.

This is one way of looking at progress. Or survival. Quite similar to how we now look at the digital world. Adapt or be left behind while the rest of the world marches on.

This is the message to both young and old alike. And to countries too.

Governments simply can’t afford pension payouts when the older population keeps growing due to longer life expectancy and the younger population keeps shrinking due to lower fertility rate. Demographic changes have a huge impact on the economy, indeed on all aspects of life, and also on the family support system.

China abandoned their 1979 one-child policy in 2015 when they realised the adverse implications it had on support for the growing older population.

Whether we want to or not, whether we like it or not, the retirement age will continue to be raised. We don’t have to work till we drop dead, but at least allow older workers to continue working for as long as the retirement age allows them to. They will know best whether they are physically and mentally fit enough to continue working.

Employers also have the option to offer early retirement or not hire workers who do not satisfy the health requirements for the job.

Let’s not forget the social benefits of working longer. There are retirees who miss the social connections at work. When they stop working, life can become lonely. They miss their former colleagues. They miss the daily chat, the company outings and social functions. Isolation and loneliness can affect the mental health and wellbeing of older people.

If these retirees were your parents, wouldn’t you want them to continue working a few years longer and to remain independent longer? For young people who oppose raising the retirement age, be thankful that your working parents are self-supporting, and not a financial burden to you.

Regardless of whether the retirement age is 60, 65 or 70, everyone reaches that age one day. Everyone has parents and grandparents. Think of them when you think of whether to support the proposal to raise the retirement age. We need to look at the issue both objectively and subjectively, from the government’s point of view, from the employers’ stand and also from the perspective of both the young and the old. Perhaps then we can have a clearer picture of whether raising the retirement age is a “good or bad” idea.

We know what the answer is.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The original print version was published on Wed 4 June 2025 in the column 'Grey Matters'. The online versionn can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/06/06/is-there-a-039right039-retirement-age)